Re-awakening and Confusion

[TimberV]

Okay, folks. Have been a lurker for awhile, but I'm feeling the need to chime in on a subject. I have recently posted a blog which talks a little bit about my dilemma. But, to outline it in a nutshell:

I was trained, old-guard for many years by my late Papa. He died after a hernia operation. At that point, I swore that I would never be another man's boy again. I grew into the world of Dom-ing and I was very happy there.

After a period of time, I moved out of the leather life completely. I didn't realize how much I missed it until I recently took a trip to LA to meet up with a man for the weekend. He brought the boy right back out in me and it was completely natural. I'm not ashamed of it, but I believe that he is the only person who could have done that for me.

Now, I'm sitting back home in Montana and finding that I am craving a St. Andrew's cross, a flogger or single-tail, a good cry and aftercare. I'm just a little bit confused and not sure how it all happened. Suggestions and advice?

[voxelectronica]

I certainly don't envy your situation.

I do have a question for clarification. This man that you met in L.A. Do you think that he is the only one that could Dom you or did he just awaken that part of you and no you are after being submissive in general?

[thrall]

We are what we are.......we need what we need...Time and distance will not change that.

you can try and deny yourself...run from your needs and desires...but they always catch up......and its a long slow painful death giving this portion of your life up.

[TimberV]

I feel like he is the only one that I want to Dom me. I do know that there is a big part of me that is definitely sub, but I don't want to give that part up to any other person, just him. And I feel like it's the right thing to do.

In the rest of my world, I tend to be more Dom. It's just this one person and surrendering to him that really has me by the throat (LITERALLY ).

[TimberV]

Also, thrall, thanks for the note. I know this it was very painful to leave that world and to supress it. I'm thanking the Universe for the chance to become a part of it again, with no embarassment and no regrets.

[thrall]

submission happens.....especially when you come across a Dom that rings all your bells...

ya just cant help it.....

[voxelectronica]

maybe i take back my lack of envy.

It seems that so often we wish for things and long for things and never get them. I've been in your situation to an extent and knowing then what I know now I wish i had stayed with were the kink was (so to speak).

The reason is that now, I know what I want and it isn't there. We search so often for a perfect fit, feeling heartbroken or out of sorts without it. We hides those feelings with mediocre replacements. Which may be great in their own place but not in their place with us. Sometimes we hide those feelings so well that we forget them. I know what it feels like to find that. For me it's like in the movie Hook when Peter finds his happy thought and can fly.

So yeah do what's best for you.

[thrall]

Also, thrall, thanks for the note. I know this it was very painful to leave that world and to supress it. I'm thanking the Universe for the chance to become a part of it again, with no embarassment and no regrets.

and there that is........hugs

you have answered your own questions....of suggestions and advice...

you know what you want........and that is a very good thing..

[Ozme52]

Timber,

I think you left that side of your life behind in honor of, and in tribute of your Papa. I understand why, everything you told me of him that night, how he enriched the lives of all your family, says it all.

But yes, the time has come and he would be happy for you to end the drought I think. Perhaps even that he's guided you to this.

But you never told me if your current partner is open to you returning to this. I felt like you have a close connection to him as well. You balance your dominant life with your vanilla life and I presume he is okay with the Dom in you... and I hope he will be equally open to the submissive side as well. So that you can have both. All three.

Can "L.A. Man" give you the freedom to pursue all your facets?

[TimberV]

Yes, the "L.A. Man" can do that. And we have discussed it. My partner, on the other hand. . .I don't think he understands what a huge part of my life this is, both Dom and sub. And that's because I haven't given him the opportunity. He knows some about my leather life, but I haven't told him enough. Don't worry, I've already been chewed out by A. about this. She definitely has my number. That's why I love her!!

[DowntownAmber]

Yes, the "L.A. Man" can do that. And we have discussed it. My partner, on the other hand. . .I don't think he understands what a huge part of my life this is, both Dom and sub. And that's because I haven't given him the opportunity. He knows some about my leather life, but I haven't told him enough. Don't worry, I've already been chewed out by A. about this. She definitely has my number. That's why I love her!!

And I love you back, of course.

I've cried in your lap, slept in your arms, and carry with me a bracelet you and J put on me to remind me of your influence in my life - the depth of our relationship calls for, at the very least, my honesty with you even at the occasional risk of a hurt feeling or two. (Temporary hurt feeling, of course.)

Now, don't think the fact that you're the only Dom on this forum that possesses the power to drop by my house anytime and cane my ass into next week didn't cross my mind, but I decided I'd risk it and be irritatingly forthright regardless...

[TimberV]

And I love you back, of course.

I've cried in your lap, slept in your arms, and carry with me a bracelet you and J put on me to remind me of your influence in my life - the depth of our relationship calls for, at the very least, my honesty with you even at the occasional risk of a hurt feeling or two. (Temporary hurt feeling, of course.)

Now, don't think the fact that you're the only Dom on this forum that possesses the power to drop by my house anytime and cane my ass into next week didn't cross my mind, but I decided I'd risk it and be irritatingly forthright regardless...

Is that an invitation? Perhaps I may have to take you up on that.

After a lot of thinking and soul-searching, I realize that one of the things that happened is my awakening process has been happening over the entire year. It wasn't just "LA man." It was more than that. Conversations with Oz & A. Learning again, how much I missed the life. How much I have to offer, both as a Dom and as a sub. When submission is appropriate and when Domination is timely.

I finally had a portion of the conversation with my vanilla partner. Things weren't explained in great detail, but he has made it clear that he is not interested in the lifestyle. I think that the time has come to clear up some of his misconceptions and to also add a bit more detail of what it means to me. Then, I will leave it to him to decide what he wants to do with the information. Tricky ground, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say something.

These discoveries don't make the process any easier, but at least I'm able to understand it a little bit better. It's amazing what happens when a person actually quiets the mind.

[thrall]

Hiding in the light.....whispering in the darkness.......the truth is there for all who seek......

[DowntownAmber]

Is that an invitation? Perhaps I may have to take you up on that.

That's a standing invitation, of course. My door is always open to you and the session collar is on the hook by the door. I'll even make you dinner beforehand.

After a lot of thinking and soul-searching, I realize that one of the things that happened is my awakening process has been happening over the entire year. It wasn't just "LA man." It was more than that. Conversations with Oz & A. Learning again, how much I missed the life. How much I have to offer, both as a Dom and as a sub. When submission is appropriate and when Domination is timely.

I finally had a portion of the conversation with my vanilla partner. Things weren't explained in great detail, but he has made it clear that he is not interested in the lifestyle. I think that the time has come to clear up some of his misconceptions and to also add a bit more detail of what it means to me. Then, I will leave it to him to decide what he wants to do with the information. Tricky ground, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say something.

These discoveries don't make the process any easier, but at least I'm able to understand it a little bit better. It's amazing what happens when a person actually quiets the mind.

I think you're in for a very enlightening next few months, my friend. You'll get to where you need to be.

[Ozme52]

I finally had a portion of the conversation with my vanilla partner. Things weren't explained in great detail, but he has made it clear that he is not interested in the lifestyle. I think that the time has come to clear up some of his misconceptions and to also add a bit more detail of what it means to me. Then, I will leave it to him to decide what he wants to do with the information. Tricky ground, but I wouldn't be honest if I didn't say something.

These discoveries don't make the process any easier, but at least I'm able to understand it a little bit better. It's amazing what happens when a person actually quiets the mind.

Yes, but easier than not discussing it with him and letting your need languish within you.

[Ozme52]

Conversations with Oz & A. Learning again, how much I missed the life. How much I have to offer, both as a Dom and as a sub. When submission is appropriate and when Domination is timely.

I also thought the conversation we had was very enlightening... and all too brief.

There was an interesting underlying connection that I certainly felt. Two old souls perhaps, meeting again for the first time.