BDSM outside of marriage

[ar1]

Thanks for being so honest in your previous post, Scarlet. Really brave of you, but I'm glad you're finally on the right road now and are happy about that :-)

Also, I think knowing how I feel about BDSM, I would struggle with being with a straight vanilla partner. Cheating is not ok in my eyes. Regardless of the circumstances. So, knowing what I know now, my partner would have to have some interest on BDSM. I have a hard time with open relationships and the poly side of BDSM. I like exclusiveness (I know that's not a word lol).

I'll second your opinion on open and poly relationships. It's not something that feels natural to me at all - I've recently tried to be in a casual arrangement with someone (not even a form of relationship, literally just having some fun whenever it can be arranged) and it's really hard for me to accept that that's all it will ever be, and that they're probably going to be seeing other people at the same time as me. If I'm honest I'm not actually looking for another relationship just yet anyway, but I can never control my emotions and I always seem to get more emotionally involved in any situation than I might like to be. Hopefully practice will make perfect and I'll be able to do casual as much as the next person!!

[Ozme52]

Thanks for being so honest in your previous post, Scarlet. Really brave of you, but I'm glad you're finally on the right road now and are happy about that :-)

I'll second your opinion on open and poly relationships. It's not something that feels natural to me at all - I've recently tried to be in a casual arrangement with someone (not even a form of relationship, literally just having some fun whenever it can be arranged) and it's really hard for me to accept that that's all it will ever be, and that they're probably going to be seeing other people at the same time as me. If I'm honest I'm not actually looking for another relationship just yet anyway, but I can never control my emotions and I always seem to get more emotionally involved in any situation than I might like to be. Hopefully practice will make perfect and I'll be able to do casual as much as the next person!!

Poly definitely isn't for everyone. But if you have a wandering eye... or your partner does, it beats serial monogamy and causes far less emotional pain imo.

[scarlet_85]

Poly definitely isn't for everyone. But if you have a wandering eye... or your partner does, it beats serial monogamy and causes far less emotional pain imo.

I always felt that the whole "open relationship" thing had potential for pain as well. It also makes me think that the relationship could be potentially based off sex. If you are dating someone, or married, and go else where for sexual gratification, isn't that saying that the relationship is suffering slightly?

I know that you are married and practice BDSM outside of marriage. From what I've read, your marriage seems strong. I'm going to ask a question... my apologies if it offends for that is not my intention. So... do you have a good sex life with your wife? And do you only have one sub? Do you have other sexual encounters apart from the marriage and BDSM role? Ok... more than one question :P

I completely respect your input, Oz, and I really hope I didn't just offend you. I've came back to this thread a couple few times just because it has a lot of good points. And I enjoy the thought process. Being able to see many different aspects is rewarding in its own way.

P.S. I hope you're enjoying your travels

[Ozme52]

I always felt that the whole "open relationship" thing had potential for pain as well. It also makes me think that the relationship could be potentially based off sex. If you are dating someone, or married, and go else where for sexual gratification, isn't that saying that the relationship is suffering slightly?

Yes, of course it does. The more complicated the relationship(s) the more opportunity for miscommunication and of course the more opportunity for it ending badly "just because". But I don't think poly relationships tend to end because one feels chemistry with someone newly met... and they don't cause the pain that the statement "I never really loved you in the first place." causes, which, I believe comes from the concept that there is a single soul mate for each of us, or "one true love"... and therefore the previous love must have been a mistake.

I know that you are married and practice BDSM outside of marriage. From what I've read, your marriage seems strong. I'm going to ask a question... my apologies if it offends for that is not my intention. So... do you have a good sex life with your wife? And do you only have one sub? Do you have other sexual encounters apart from the marriage and BDSM role? Ok... more than one question :P

I certainly did, very hot and for many many years. Sometimes it waned, and was actually revitalized by an affair. Plus, I spent large periods of time away from home on business, and I always came home hornier when I was getting "regular service" on the road. Today, as we've both grown older, my physical passion for my wife has apparently fled, and either her needs have too... or perhaps she's getting them met elsewhere. I could leave "for a younger woman" but I still love my wife, so why not have both? Selfish? Perhaps, not as selfish, imo, as leaving over a mid-life crisis. Besides... I'm too old to start a new family with a young woman just ready to start hers... no matter how hot she might be.

You also ask if I have only one submissive, and right now, yes. But the same "logic" applies. Should I dump her if a new subbie comes along wanting to kneel before me? And really, how many of those stick around once they're exposed to a dungeon full of dominant personalities, many of whom are monogamous.

One thing I've learned that I didn't recognize when I was young, single, and contemplating my forthcoming marriage, was how much nicer it is to be able to share someone new as a couple. As I've also said, if my spouse had ever appeared curious to try something kinky, even as mild as a threesome, perhaps I would have broached a renegotiation. But after 33 years? Not too likely that we should change what works for us.

Lastly, yes, I do have other sexual encounters. I guess it's partly because I give good vocabulary online... and partly because I am "charming" in person.

I completely respect your input, Oz, and I really hope I didn't just offend you. I've came back to this thread a couple few times just because it has a lot of good points. And I enjoy the thought process. Being able to see many different aspects is rewarding in its own way.

P.S. I hope you're enjoying your travels

I am. I am.