And I used to be such a nice guy...

[love2serve]

So it is possible. A nice guy who has a dark edge, a side he only shows to those he can possess. I knew that somewhere there would be a man like u to prove my point.... my husband is a nice guy, 28 years (20 of them married to me) worth of nice - but no darkside, no edge - an occasional flash of strength to push me to the edge of believing i'd let it loose - found his streak of controlling spirit and then... back to gentle, horny, funny, wont hurt me .... nice guy. Im not complaining, truly - love him big time - he can still take me to places that are on the edge of heaven (sounds corny) but I need an edge, a dark place that he would only want to show me.... maybe one day.....until then this 'place' is here on this site - where i feed my addiction and then return to normality. So thank u nice guy for showing me a chink of light at the end of the tunnel.

xx love2serve

[Joel Cairo]

Well I think I am generally similar to yourself in terms of the personality and politics I display to the world at large, but I differ in that I don't see a problem with my Dom proclivities fitting into that. For starters I believe that everyone has a 'dark side' (well I do at least) and that repressing it can just lead to trouble (see my signature) and that D/s play is a safe outlet for that. So yes, I think that an intelligent psychological analysis of an interest in submissive women could well conclude that it stems from a deep seated fear of women or something like that. However, it's vastly healthier to explore these aspects in the safe harbours of a consensual BDSM experience than, to use an extreme example, commit rape. And by exploring such feelings, one can often conquer and become more at home with them: my experience of play is that it is very much about learning to accept yourself for who you are.

Everyone has feelings and 'urges' they feel they shouldn't have. Without exception. But there's no need to beat oneself up about it.

Additionally, in my RL experiences, I have found it in fact to be a genuinely loving, affectionate and respectful experience between two people who want to explore those dark and hidden and nasty aspects of their personality. There is something about the shared broaching of taboo that brings partners intimately together.

So in my view actualising some of your fantasies may well allay some of your concerns.

[cara123]

TheI,

Very well-stated, perhaps the best stated discussion on this issue I've seen here. I agree that the contradiction doesn't totally resolve itself with the argument that the sub-female is freely submitting. As a submissive female who outside the constraints (if you will) of the bedroom is completely autonomous and liberated, I too have misgivings about my fantasy space.

It definitely gets you thinking about what motivates us to either dominate or submit. I certainly haven't suffered any abuse in my past, if anything I've just been exposed to the same depictions of pleasure as most, depictions that tend to humiliate women in a general sense. But that doesn't necessarily explain the desire to be tied up, humiliated, to experience pain. Of course that eventually gets us into psyche-talk, a topic which I'm neither qualified or interested in addressing.

Ultimately I guess our task is to identify what gets us off and under what conditions, and to control those experiences. Those experiences are pure fantasy for me as well, mostly because I find it hard to broach the subject in “real life.” (“No it's ok, you can bite, no do it harder”). But that's a whole other issue.....

[Shwenn]

I don't think sexual kinks are quite as deeply psychological as you are thinking they are.

If you are worried you might secretly hate women, it's a easy enough thing to discover. Pay attention to how you feel around women in power. How do you feel around women in power in completely non-sexual scenarios? Do you get angry in such situations? I doubt it.

...that I’m really a misogynist who’s intimidated by women in power and therefore wants to see them on their knees...

This is what I think your real worry is about. You seem to be skirting the issue that you are attracted to powerful women. Do you think that is damning? I don't.

If you are attracted to powerful women then you respect women. My personality is such that I'm something of a force to be reckoned with. I am an intelligent, ballsy woman. Some men want me because of this. Some men see this trait and want to me on my knees sucking their dick.

None of those men lack respect for women. Men who don't respect women do not find me sexually attractive. Men who don't respect women see how powerful my personality is and call me a lesbian. They think a woman's only real power is in her sexuality.

Men who really do respect women see how powerful my personality is and they find that hot, they find that interesting, it makes them want to do things to me.

What those things are is irrelevant. That's their kink. It may be that they want me to dominate them, them to dominate me, both of us to dress up like furries, have sex in a public place where we may get caught, or just have a vanilla romp. That has nothing to do with anything. It's always the same kind of guy who wants to fuck me but there is no commonality their kinks.

You are attracted to powerful women and you also like bdsm. There's no connection. The former is revealing of your attitude towards women, the latter is just the way you want to fuck.

[The I]

First of all thanks everyone for your quick and helpful replies. It is indeed nice to know that I'm not the only one with these concerns.

Well I think I am generally similar to yourself in terms of the personality and politics I display to the world at large, but I differ in that I don't see a problem with my Dom proclivities fitting into that. For starters I believe that everyone has a 'dark side' (well I do at least) and that repressing it can just lead to trouble (see my signature) and that D/s play is a safe outlet for that. So yes, I think that an intelligent psychological analysis of an interest in submissive women could well conclude that it stems from a deep seated fear of women or something like that. However, it's vastly healthier to explore these aspects in the safe harbours of a consensual BDSM experience than, to use an extreme example, commit rape. And by exploring such feelings, one can often conquer and become more at home with them: my experience of play is that it is very much about learning to accept yourself for who you are.

Everyone has feelings and 'urges' they feel they shouldn't have. Without exception. But there's no need to beat oneself up about it.

I don't think I've looked at it that way - it may have crossed my mind but I think I've been over focusing on my psychological motivations instead of just accepting that I have these urges and that I have to deal with them as sensibly as possible.

I guess that my worry, apart from accepting that I have darker sides, has been partly that 'perhaps things get worse' by 'living them out', either in fantasy or by practicing BDSM. I have arguably grown a lot more kinky role-playing, fantasizing and browsing sites like this but I can't say I didn't have fantasies of male dominance and so on before that... I realize that perhaps things haven't 'gotten worse' by my becoming more kinky: actually I've rather found several possible ways of 'living out' those darker sides in a way that isn't hurting everyone.

So thanks for that piece of advice, both to you and everyone else who said similar things.

Additionally, in my RL experiences, I have found it in fact to be a genuinely loving, affectionate and respectful experience between two people who want to explore those dark and hidden and nasty aspects of their personality. There is something about the shared broaching of taboo that brings partners intimately together.

Actually I've experienced that as well - both by watching websites like 'The Story of O' and with a submissive that I've been playing with online for a while - and agree that this is perhaps one of the most beautiful parts of being kinky. Quite a contrast to the hateful misogynic relationship that I fear actually.

This is what I think your real worry is about. You seem to be skirting the issue that you are attracted to powerful women. Do you think that is damning? I don't.

I'm afraid I must not have been very clear. I'm not particularly attracted to 'strong women'... Re-reading what you quoted I can easily see why you'd get that impression though.

What I meant with it was not as direct though: I'm not particularly interested in dominating strong women (though I think I'd be worried about having a very 'weak' submissive). What I meant was that my fear is that because of some subconscious animosity towards women in power lead me to sexually wanting a partner I can control completely…