bpqueen

So much has happened since my last blog. I have been posting elsewhere in the meantime, but thought that I may as well post a few thoughts here as well.

It as been almost 3 months since I began my relationhip with my Master, and about 2 since I got my official collar. Master has been out of the Scene for a while, so we are slowly working ourselves back into it, but are not comfortable doing so in our city yet, and are thus traveling out to a neighboring town to attend classes, seminars, munches, and Dungeon gatherings. I have experienced breath play, bondage, basic suspension, flogging, smacking, wax play, knife play, pain play, light anal play, and violet wands. I have enjoyed it all :-)

Although I cannot admit to many of the early childhood urges that many on the site can, I did have rape fantasies as a child and have always played with sharp objects. However, it was really after I met Master that I realized how much I need many aspects of BDSM to balance out certain aspects of my personality and daily life. I have a mind which is constantly churning and working, and compartamentalizes everything. For example, I have never associated sex with love, and have a hard time understanding how it can be a fundamental part of any relationship, especially marriage. I actually get less sexually inclined the more I am in love with someone, as my emotional needs are being met in a more profound fashion, and my physcal needs are nothing that I cannot take care of myself just as well.

What the Lifestyle is teaching me is communication, trust, and honesty. I m learning about how my body works, how my passion extends into the physical as well as resides in the mental, and am beginning to look at the world differently. Unexpected ocurrences no longer throw me into a rage, minor problems that crop up are no longer unsurmountable, and ongoing problems that I experience are no longer quite so hard to deal with. However, with these revelations and this balance also is coming more responsibility - to my husband, to my Master, and to myself. This is causing a few more ups and downs in my moods that I am used to and much of the time I feel like a pendulum, vacillating between different wants, desires, needs, moods, problems, and resolutions. Usually I end up every other week reduced to tears in front of Master due to a communication failure and begging to be beat to calm my mind. This always makes me wonder: am I becoming a pain slut, is there something wrong with me if I need to be hurt in order to find some peace in my head, and am I topping from the bottom? I know that I have domme tendencies (so does Master, as he wants to train me to Domme others at his command...), but have no desire to exhibit them with Master.

I also have a HUGE problem with obeying rules. As a child, promises were never kept to me, and therefore I place very little faith in promises, truth, and communication. It was much easier growing up to ask for forgiveness over permission, and unfortunately, most would see this trait as belonging to a"bratty" sub. When a rule is imposed, I impulsively break it, even if I have no desire or real reason to do so. Master knows that I struggle, and unfortunately he bears the brunt of my remorse and self-loathing when I inevitable fail miserably at following the rules that he imposes. We are working through this, and my husband is along for the ride as I come home frequently emotionally exhausted from "fighting" my impulses so much. Perhaps I should look more at the Tasking Society...

Anyway, my husband still says that he is OK with the arrangement that has been made, although I still feel guilty and selfish. He has wanted me to discover many of the things that I am about myself for years, but I feel guilty that I do not want him in my life as a Dom at all. He tells me not to worry and asks why I feel guilty of selfish, but I can't help it. I feel as if I am getting what I want, while he doesn't get anything. I have asked him if he wants to learn to top (or bottom), and he is expressing an interest, but as I don't want him to Top me, we would have to find him someone willing. While I am not sure that would be a problem, and I know I wouldn't have a problem with it, he doesn't have the time needed to devote to the training and relationship, and he knows it. I just wish that I felt that he was getting his needs met. I do not want him to humiliate me, beat me, or do any of the things that my Master does to me, but I need these things to calm down my behavior in other aspects of my life. He even wants to buy me a violet wand to work out some of my Domme urges, but I feel guilty over using his hard earned money to buy something that he (I assume) doesn't want used on him, and I am not sure will be used in a situation that he will be present at.

I am also very afraid of what will happen when my husband and I graduate from school and move. We both hate FL and never intended to stay here. I know that I want to start a family, but am not ready to give up what I have right now...There are still too many things that I have to learn about myself first. I am afraid that my husband sees this as a "phase" and I am afraid of what it means if it is not...There are so many ways that I woul like this to play out...but I am positive that they are not sanctioned in the larger world, nor would friends, family, and employers understand. I just hope that I am strong enough to make the decisions and live with them once they are made...

Anyway, I am getting rambly. That is about all for now. If both Master and my husband read this (as they have both recently joined the Library) and feel like addressing anything, they are welcome and know where to find me.