a cry for help....

[dav4jon]

Could the problem be broader and not just related to BDSM?

I do not know what your life has been like before you met your master, but if every time or so you had something good or valuable you ended up losing it or it was somehow taken away from you, then you could be unconsciously trying to screw up this seemingly satisfying relationship in order to avoid the pain of possibly losing it one day.

If it is unconscious you will of course not be aware of it. The question is: could this be what is happening?

Of course, only you can tell... I'm not suggesting anything.

We're all waiting to see how you're coping.

Take care.

Cheers

[BDSM_Tourguide]

Where did ~d~ go? How did this ever get resolved? Or did I just not read it well enough to see the outcome?

[~d~]

Where did ~d~ go? How did this ever get resolved? Or did I just not read it well enough to see the outcome?

*pops head up from behind the sofa at the mention of my name*



*teasing grin*

"Does this mean you miss me TG?"


---------

All kidding aside, if you'll read a few post up, i did have my moment of rebellion. There have been a few more since that was written. What we do is we work it out. LT has a way of seeing beyond the surface of what i want to the core of what i need. i seriously doubt LT will ever have smooth sailing with me but i think he knew that going in and he is an incredibly strong Dom

As to where have i gone...

Well i'm lurking around at least several times a week. i just don't have the thick skin it takes to be an active part of this kind of community. i really wish i did but i find myself caring to deeply and getting hurt to easily. i have this totally annoying habit of leading with my heart...

What LT and i have is online and will remain that way. It's been my experience that many people of the community, even those that preach tolerence as the cornor stone of the BDSM lifestyle have no qualms about passing judgement on our relationship labling it as "not real''. Even after two and a half years i find it's exhausting to try and make the blind see because they never do so i just retreat to the safety of silence because the simple truth is i as much as i wish i did...i don't belong and that tends to be the norm rather than the exception for me... i rarely fit in anywhere: real world or cyber...

LT on the other hand has done the whole "real thing" and *grin* beyond not caring how anyone judges him, LT loves to stir the pot in hopes that it will make everyone or *wide eyed innocent look* even a single someone stop if even for a heartbeat and think outside the box...

Beyond that, i have submitted a couple of stories to the library under another name that were well recieved... and may do more in the future...i do enjoy the written word... and *grin* writing keeps me out of trouble when LT is on the road...

i really do appriciate you asking about me... i'd honestly just figured i'd slipped away unnoticed... i guess not...lol...

peace
~d~

[slavelucy]

Hey ~d~,

It's great to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well with yourself and LT.

i know you're over the rebellion issue now, but if i may ask (tell me i may not if ya like!)...was it a rebellion over a particular issue you felt he handled badly or inappropriately (no offense to LT intended) and didn't know how to say, without being unsubmissive..or was it a general 'pffft, don't need this' rebellion? i'd be really interested to know, for reasons with which i wouldn't spam your thread, but which are close to my heart.

Cheers

lucy x

[~d~]

Hey ~d~,

It's great to hear from you again! Glad things are still going well with yourself and LT.

i know you're over the rebellion issue now, but if i may ask (tell me i may not if ya like!)...was it a rebellion over a particular issue you felt he handled badly or inappropriately (no offense to LT intended) and didn't know how to say, without being unsubmissive..or was it a general 'pffft, don't need this' rebellion? i'd be really interested to know, for reasons with which i wouldn't spam your thread, but which are close to my heart.

Cheers

lucy x

feel free to spam my threads anytime you like pretty lady...


i thought this would be relatively easy to explain but the issues are a little complicated....

When i met LT, he was everything i was NOT looking for in a Dom. i was very very sure i knew exactly what i wanted. The Powers that Be knew he was exactly what i needed. The truth be told if i'd had any clue how he would change my life i would have run the other way as fast as i could. What i thought i was looking for was just a pale shadow of the reality of what i got.

One of the things he promised me was total unconditional acceptance but in my experience life just doesn't work like that. Acceptance is never total... and the idea of it being unconditional is just laughable. And i mean face it this is a D/s relationship. It's based on conditions, his and mine. Add to that that we live half a continent away from each other.

If i became a problem it would be so easy for him to just say... "This is just way to much work" and *poof* disappear. If you are living with, dating or married to your Dom disappearing is just a little more complicated than hitting delete or block...

As a result i let my fear of what might happen build a wall between us. *grin* of course from my point of view i thought it was a mile high brick one while he saw that it was a two inch high clear sugar glass one. It totally blinded me to the reality of what we do have. It blinded me to the man he is.

There were moments when i sat here, and it was all i could do to even turn on the computer knowing that i would have to face him because i was being overwhelmed by my own fears. My fear became anger at myself... at him... at life in general...and evolved into rebellion. Beyond that i saw my fears as being emotions that would overwhelm him too. I was so sure that if i released them on him, show him what what was happening inside me, it would drive him away. It was a viscous cycle... The more i wanted to tell him.. the more i felt i couldn't and the more scared i got...

The thing is, in doing that i was cheating him and me. LT is a man of great insight. Funniest part of all this is that he had seen it coming and building up in me long before i even knew it was happening...*grin* he watched as the panic slut in me painted myself into that particular corner but he also knew the only way for me to make peace with it was for me to stop hiding and bring my fears out of the shadows and into the light of day because D/s is not about force.

*grin* i think i sort of went off the deep end when i said he ''wasn't being fair and to just fuc.... " well you get the picture.... lol... i expected anger... i expected him to walk...i expected him to just give up on me... what i got was a laughter filled very simple question..."What does fair have to do with anything?" and a long night of talking and learning...

trust is a such a tricky thing... there is always risk involved... but i have learned the pay off is incredible... see... what i didn't understand was... total unconditional acceptance is his hard limit... there is nothing i can do or say to drive him away... but at the same time... he would never stand in my way if i felt i needed to walk away... *grin* he is big into the whole sane, safe and consensual aspect.... and i thank the Goddess for that...

i don't know if this helps you at all.... i sincerely hope it does...

Peace
~d~

[slavelucy]

i don't know if this helps you at all.... i sincerely hope it does...

After a couple of read throughs, it did help, a great deal. *smiles* Thanks so much for taking the time and effort to share it/write it.

sl x

[mastercoyote]

My lover and slave is 18 and this is her first M/s experience, so you can imagine how extremely important it is to me that my slave understands the difference between obedience and servility. With adulthood itself being such new territory for her, I'm constantly monitoring myself to make sure I don't fuck this up. I simply couldn't forgive myself if this became a negative experience for her that would color any future relationships. (she hate's it when I say that, but I'm realistic. I hope the day never comes, but I am doing my best to be prepared to let her go if that's what she wants/needs.)

We've had more than a few situations where she started kicking her heels, sometimes at the right moments, sometimes not. I wholeheartedly agree with RedEva: communication, respect, and patience are ESSENTIAL.

I have the advantage of having had military experience. For two years I was the crew chief of a small unit that was assisting the EOD team (Explosive Ordinance Disposal, "bomb squad" to you civvies :P). The attitude that was fostered among us was one of extreme professionalism, where anyone could speak up no matter the rank. Although adherence to procedure was critically important, we recognized each other's human fallibility. It would be the height of stupidity to become a puddle of shiny red goo just because a junior member was afraid to point out a potential hazard.

I try to foster a similar attitude with my slave. Although it's essential that she trust and obey her Master - because what would be the point otherwise? - it's equally important that she be comfortable with letting Me know when she's worried or unhappy. I am, after all, a GUY, just as subject to being boneheadedly unaware of what's going on in a woman's heart, mind and soul as any other guy.

Your Master has already told you to express yourself, ~d~. I would suggest you follow that order, soldier!