sunshine
Registered User

I forgot that it was the anniversary of your passing 12 yrs ago. That made me sad that I forgot....then again, maybe it means that I have moved on. I will never stop loving you and will never forget you. I just dare to imagine what if...what if we had a night together....a day, or even lunch. Just to see you, hold you, to hear your voice again. How long can a heart grieve when there are no more tears to shed and the pain of heartache is gone? Regrets, sadness....but thankful for where I am now in my life. Having found love, happiness....you are my dark dream and desire unfulfilled. Maybe when I die....I will fulfill this life time of regret and desire for you.

When I am out in the mountains, surrounded by the trees, hearing the sound of the water flowing along the trails I take, I think of you. Each time I pull out my camera to take a photo of the beauty that I see all around me, I like to think that with each press of the button, the photos I take make their way up to you. I like to think that you are sharing the adventures with me. I need to try to live a life for the two of us....to try to have you see the world through my eyes. Maybe, just maybe you might realize how much I love you....and how much you meant to me when you considered yourself so insignificant.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aazVnPXzEOc

Yet, here I am, visiting with you. I no longer think of the idea of letting you go. That is silly and pointless. Despite it all, I find that you enrich my life. Even in death. You are a reminder to try to do and be better. To have more adventures. I have my frustrations. My wife is vanilla as it gets. I still burn for this, but I realize that I cannot have it. I am frustrated because I am back where I started when I met you.....longing for something that I desperately need but cannot have. I try to make peace with it....see what I have gained, but THIS is a passion and you cannot easily kill a passion without killing a part of your own soul. So here we are my love...you are the flame in my night. I stand vigil over you, so that your light....our light never goes out.

I am sorry that I have neglected you....that I have not come as often as I should. In June, I was in France with my wife, mother in law, my daughter, and wife's nephew. Enjoying a different type of adventure. It was good until all the adults caught Covid half way through the trip. Despite being ill....fever for two days and being isolated, it was a good trip. I have never spent so much time in one place. We ventured out with mask on only to get food or to walk in places with few to no people....off the beaten path. To make lemonade out of lemons as they say. I try to enjoy all the moments, even if they have bad moments. I guess that I am trying to live a life for both of us. Maybe, just maybe, you can see the world through my eyes from where ever you are. Part of me stayed away from you out of sense of hopelessness or futility. How many years has it been since you left us? 12 years is coming up soon.

I am sorry that I have been away from you so long. I am getting older. My college girl friend pasted away from cancer. I was afraid to reach out to her these past few months. I knew what was coming. I felt the same helplessness as I felt when you were near the end. I was afraid.

Today I learned that your grave is unmarked. Just a number to mark your resting place. There just wasn't the money to spend when there was a family in need. You would have protested at the thought of money being spend upon you while others were in need. After all these years, I have questioned why I have not gone out to visit your grave site. Maybe it would make you all too real to me. But in my mind, I would take solace in being able to touch your name on your grave and feel some connection to you. I understand the reasons why it had to be this way. Kim and I will not let this rest. You shall be named, so the world may know that you existed beyond the memory of two people who knew you. I promise you that I will not let you rest in obscurity. You deserve no less.

Happy Birthday my love. You are forever 36 yrs old to me as I continue to get older. I will be 53 yrs old this year. It has almost been 12 years since you left all of us. It does not seem so long ago. I just know that time has dulled the pain that was so sharp in my chest. My anguish is now the honoring of your memory and the sadness of a life cut short and a kiss that we never had. My fantasies of us and the fire of lust has burned away....washed cold by my tears. Only the glass shards of my frozen tears are left. I think of you fondly. You are the one that got away. You are the one that stolen my heart without my even knowing it. These little notes that I leave you....I wonder if people read them. I wonder what they think. Am I just a sad man who lingers over the death of a woman he has never met? I don't worry about judgement as I am certain of what we had. I know that it was real in all the ways that matter. We touched each other's souls. So for now, I carry the memory of you....because to be remembered is to be loved.

When I was in the beach in Panama, I felt the soft, sugary sands slip between my toes as I walked along brown beaches. The sun was hot and the sky blue. The water was warm like a soothing bath and the waters murky from all the silt of the sand being churned by gently rolling waves wtih small white caps. I would wade out into the water chest high and bob with the incoming waves to let them pass by me. From time to time, a big wave would roll in and I would slip below the waves to avoid the crashing force of water. My ears would be filled with the sound of bubbles and sand sweeping by me. In those moments, I imagined that you were the water that flowed over my body, caressing me.....warm and inviting. Here in the darkness of my eyes closed under the water, you came to me. You said that upon your passing that I would find you in the waters. Be it along the forest trail of a gentle stream or here in the vast Pacific ocean....you were with me. I could feel you in that moment. I was happy and I spend hours in the water enjoying the sun and waves. Somehow, feeling that much closer to you in a world where you are often beyond my grasp.

I burn for you.....I stay awake late at night and stare into the darkness that is this screen and wish that I could see your words before me. Despite all these years, I yern for all that we could have dreamed of. I want to take you, make you mine, I want hear you moan at my touch....to see the wetness of your sex as you beg me to take you. To hear your lustful cries fill my ears. To feel you beneath me as I plough myself deeper and deeper into you. Your gasping for air, panting for relief....your animal lust filled desires dripping all over me. These things I dare to hope to be true one day when I pass from this world to fall into your loving embrace on the otherside of the mortal curtain of life.