sunshine
Registered User

Today marks a year since you were taken from the world and away from those of us who love you. Nothing has been easy, but I do what I can to share your memory with the world. I take the hikes to see with your eyes, places never seen before. I take my photos thinking that just maybe you might see them. I fight in my classes to honor you....in the vain hope that what I do puts a smile upon your face. I live my life as fully as I can so that you can share in my joys and sorrows. I hope to find someone like you, but I find little hope in that. It only serves to remind me of what we had and how lucky I was to have you in my life. I miss you, I love you, and I will never forget you my love. Be well and smile upon me with your love.

For you I fight and continue on in some vain hope and belief that you can see me from the heavens above and find some sort of entertainment and joy in watching me. As you watched me in life, I go to my martial arts sparring classes and I fight for you. Your personal soldier for your entertainment. I go to the tournaments for you. No personal glory or medals matter. The medals I quietly leave on the judge's table at the end of it all. If only to put a smile upon your face I will fight anyone. In victory or defeat, if only to put a smile upon your face my love.

Misty, I think it is time for me to go away for a while. I would close my account, but perhaps it is a memorial to you and the love we have. At times, I feel guilty that you are not in my thoughts each moment I wake or lay my head to sleep. I guess I am moving on with my life, which I know you would want me to. I will always love you and I am haunted by the desires I have because of you. You stirred something within me that I need to fulfill, but can not. In that frustration, I miss you more and realize how special you were to me. I miss you.

I have had 220 miles to talk to you, cry over you, to grief, to daydream of all the things that will never be. I carried our letters to the top of the Mountain and left them for the world to see. Our names are signed into the book up there. My wedding ring for you is there with the letters and was drawing people to read them. In the end, my grief is gone and I have sadness. I feel closure and love for you. For you I walk to the ends of the world. I will have a chance to see you in forty years my love.

I am leaving now...the journey of a life time. I know you will be with me. I have our letters and a wedding ring for you. I will leave it at the top of Mt. Whitney, the highest peak in the continental United States. I leave it so that others might know of the love that we had and to have your memory live on. It is as close as I can get to heaven. I miss you and time has made it easier. I just now have silent tears with less heart ache. I love you always and forever. Each morning I wake and each night I lay my head down I whisper your name to remind me of us. See you on the trail my love.

Just saw you in my friends list and remembered our conversations. Things we both wanted to do, things that will now be left undone. I can see, by Valshar's posts that I am not the only one who misses your warm conversation and am happier to know that he will alwasy miss you. I thank the gods that you and he were together, even for a little while. Farewell, sunshine, but never goodbye.

I took my first backpacking trip into the back country this 4th of July weekend. Hours on the trail, alone with my thoughts, I daydreamed that I was on the John Muir Trail and I came across and petite woman with a backpack with waist long hair. I called out your name and you turned to me, alive and well. Somehow the trail magic had made you come back to life and for the 220 miles of the John Muir Trail, you were with me. Somehow, I daydreamed of the simple things that we could do. Hold hands, talk, to hear you laugh once more. To do the things we had not in real life. I could make love to you, slowly, gently, and sweetly. To have you know how much you mean to me. To try to live a life time in those 220 miles and 16 days on the trail. I came out of my daydream to face a calm lake and talk to you while I stood by a small brook of icy, snow melt waters that fed the lake. I told you that I still loved you, that I missed you, that I was out on the trail and that you were with me in the waters, like you promised. And later I hiked along a raging river that left that lake, I read our letters of farewell, I laid under a tree and cried silent tears while my friends napped, never wiser to my sorrows.

I keep coming back here, to the library, but I have no desire to chat. I am making efforts to reach out to people in real life who are local to me. Yet, in the end, I am only looking for you. I only want you. I told you that if you died, my dreams of THIS would die with you. I think they will. With each passing month, I find less hope that I will find someone. Each month that passes fades my hopes and desires. I realize that what I had with you was so very special and irreplaceable. So many limitations that I have being married. In limbo. Not willing to leave my marriage and family, but wanting to eat my cake to. So few would be willing to play with me. And you accepted me for who I am, with all of my limitations. You chose to love me and I love you. An imperfect love, but deep as the ocean and so full of hope for both of us. All my fantasies I could see coming true with you. So much I could see of yourself with me....hoping to guide you to a happiness that would be separate for me. I so wanted to help you grow, to heal, to become better than you were to find a happiness all your own. So much I wanted for you and I. All these dreams lost for both of us. All I want is you and there is nothing I can do.

Happy Birthday my love. I fondly remember you this day because I chose not to dwell on the day of your death, but rather chose to celebrate the day that you came into this world and unto me. The pain of your passing has dulled and I have fewer tears to shed. I have taken to having my lunch by myself behind the office where it is quiet and sunny. I read our letters to remind me of your voice and what we meant to each other. I talk to the wind and hope that my words are carried to the heavens so that you may hear me and know that I think of you often and that you are not forgotten. That you might know that your life mattered to me, even despite the moments when you thought it did not matter. I am thankful for the time that we had, always wishing we had more. Because of knowing you I am willing to push forward to try to not settle for being merely comfortable, but strive for finding happiness in my life. Thank you for the gift of your heart and time, I miss you.

Happy Birthday my love. I fondly remember you this day because I chose not to dwell on the day of your death, but rather chose to celebrate the day that you came into this world and unto me. The pain of your passing has dulled and I have fewer tears to shed. I have taken to having my lunch by myself behind the office where it is quiet and sunny. I read our letters to remind me of your voice and what we meant to each other. I talk to the wind and hope that my words are carried to the heavens so that you may hear me and know that I think of you often and that you are not forgotten. That you might know that your life mattered to me, even despite the moments when you thought it did not matter. I am thankful for the time that we had, always wishing we had more. Because of knowing you I am willing to push forward to try to not settle for being merely comfortable, but strive for finding happiness in my life. Thank you for the gift of your heart and time, I miss you.