sunshine
Registered User

Misty, I took my 1st backpacking trip since August of last year- those 220 miles with you in my heart and in my mind. It felt a little hollow to be out there. The restlessness that I once felt and the need to be out there is gone. I am content and at peace in so many ways. Is it funny to say that I no longer fear death because in death there is a chance in seeing you waiting for me on the other side with open arms? I don't have a death wish, but I do feel that if death were to take me or if I was told that it was coming for me soon, I would welcome it. My purpose seems done here. My daughter is a happy and kind one. She sees the world as a wonderful place and walks in it with laughter and without fear. My family is strong and secure. What more could I ask for in a life? I have no doubt that I have many more years left on this Earth, but knowing you has changed me in ways that I am still discovering. My regret in life is that we never had a chance to hold each other and feel the warmth of our passionate embrace. My despair is that I tire of talking to the wind with the hope that you will hear me. I am desperate for a sign that you can hear me, yet I know that there will never be one. I talk the wind so that our love does not fade into memory and so that it lives on. How long can I talk to the wind with ears that strain to the heavens to try to hear your sweet voice in my ears once more?

Misty, yesterday I was driving to a martial arts tournament having spent the night before being filled with anxiety and anticipation of how I might do. The unusual butterflies of worry that I typically never had. While drive there I realized that win or lose, it would not matter because as long as I was fighting, you would be watching me and it would put a smile upon your face to watch me. It was at that moment that my butterflies and anxiety left me and I was filled with calm. While I was there, waiting for it all to start, I smiled and cracked jokes with my friends and competitors. Win or lose, you would be watching over me and cheering me one either way. Like your love, it is unconditional and how I would perform would not matter to you. I fought five times against good and humble people and lose only once. I took first place. The medal means nothing to me, that you might look down from the heavens and smile is everything to me and reminds me of why I do this. I miss you still my love. It is easier to bear your absence, but time changes nothing of how I feel about you.

Regretfully we never met, but I find that I think of you from time to time. The impact and inspiration you had in others lives. You were loved and cherished, you still are. I hope you look from the heavens at those who loved you and smile.
Always

I stayed in a fancy high rise hotel this weekend in San Francisco overlooking the city at night with the yellow glow of the lights radiating to the heavens. Upon white downy comforter did I lay under, warm and snug. A bit bed all to myself. As I lay there in the dark, looking out the window I knew you should have been there with me. Once a year at this time, I come here to get away from everything. Once a year I have hoped that my fantasies would come true. Then I met you and there was hope that my waiting was over. I looked to my right at the empty spot next to me. I imagined that you were laying next to me, your head upon my chest with my arm around you. My hand gently stroking your long hair that fell down to your waist. Softly stroking your hair and your cheek, savoring the warmth of your body next to mine. We had the whole night together to pleasure each other and this was merely a nice, quite moment to share together. You were with me, in that room, and I ached to have you with me in the flesh. I asked the selfish question of why you were taken from me, despite knowing that there was never going to be a good answer. I could not cry in the dark. So many tears already shed, but there is always the welling of a singular tear that clouds my vision. Maybe in that singular tear that clouds my vision I might have a chance to see your face.

(cont) I wish you could simply walk away from me and enjoy the peace that I hope that heaven is without worrying about me. On this night I wish you a Merry Christmas my love and wish I could give you the gift of being free of my grief over losing you. Tears don't fall from my eyes as much as they used to, but there always seems to be one welling up in my eye that blurs my vision. It never seems to fall, but catches the light to twist the reality of what I see and perhaps in that lingering teary vision I can see you standing before me. God I miss you Misty. Be well and at peace for me.

Misty, It has been a while, but I took lunch behind the office to bask in the warmth of the Sunshine and to talk to you. Our letters are nothing more than tear stained tatters that I have to piece together on my lap so that I can read them aloud to the wind passing in the leaves of the trees standing watch over me as I eat my lunch. I half read the worn words on the paper and half utter them from my memory. Carefully, I fold your letter between the tatters of my final letter to you to protect yours, to try to keep it from falling apart like my memories of you. What did your voice sound like in my ears? What was the sound of your laughter like? What was it like to see your word upon my chat screen? How did it feel to anxiously await the part of my day when I would talk to you on the phone? What was the sound of your lips softly sighing in my ear as you did as I commanded and made your body my play thing? What was the feeling of my heart racing in my chest when I heard you cum for me so hard? If there is a heaven, I hope you have found the answers to your questions from your abusive mother of why she could not love you and why she hurt you so. I hope that you have found a peace from all of your troubles that haunted you. I hope that my grief is not the one thing that ties to you to this mortal world. I hope that if there is a heaven that you can walk away from looking over me with sadness and regret at my grief over your death.

Misty, There is nothing left for me here but to remember you. To have this place for my sadness and grief. To be the lingering fool for all to see for there is nothing to be serious about. There is fleeting hope that I might have something for myself of this....this curse that is BDSM. To have a desire so strong that it takes hold of the waking moments of all my daydreams and that you are the first and last words to my day. Hello my Sunshine. Good Night Misty.....I love you. It is as simple as that. There is no one else here for me. I think none would be willing to be with me, damaged as I am and married, as I am. I have everything and nothing to offer and now I am scared to offer what little I have for the pain of remembering you makes me hesitant to reach out to what I want. I have not a single regret in loving you and knowing you. If this is the price of it, to forgo my darkest dreams, then I am here to pay it. If only so that others might know what you meant to me and that your memory and love for me was not in vain.

If there is a God, I think God has a sick sense of humor and I when I die I expect to find God laughing....

Misty, I am in London with my family. Having more adventures for you to share in. The time here has been wonderful. I have had time away from work to be closer to my family and especially my daughter. All things you wanted for me. I have spent a lot of time at the British Museum. I look at the pasting of time, histories, and peoples and I see that there are always attempts to have immortality. To capture an image of the ones loved and now departed. I see the faces painted or sculpted in stone and see that they are testaments of someone's love of someone. Yes, not in all cases, but there are many examples and they remind me of you. I think of our history and wonder what to make of it. I told you to never be a victim of your history and I strive not to be either. Is missing you and mourning you making me a victim of our collective past? I think that my chances of finding someone here are remote. I have shared so much of myself in my blogs...of my feelings for you. Who would dare want to try to take your place? Have I condemned my dreams in my honoring you? I have no regrets because I cherish the memory of you and there has to be room for you in any future that I have here. You are my past and maybe the gateway/motivation for my future. Perhaps a future I fear, if care to admit. Look down upon me from the heavens and smile my darling for I am here to put a smile upon your face.

This is the song that haunts me and reminds me of you.