sunshine
Registered User

I am the keeper of a memory of a woman who never was and yet was everything to hold my desires and dreams of something better. She is four and a half years gone and the sound of her laughter lingers faintly in my mind after all of this time. I grasp for memories of her. I have only dreamed of her twice in all of these years and even then, they were fleeting glimpses of a face that I have never seen. Part of me feels like a fool, yet I know that she loved me and that I still love her. I know that her fears and insecurities kept her from showing me her face. Yet, we talked on the phone. We laughed and shared our desires and her fears. Such a mixture of irreverent defiance and strength wrapped up in a fragile cloak of invisibility that I could see though at all times. How could I not come to care for her and love her as I did. My missing her is half ritual and half heartache that is tempered by time. Her gift to me was the pain of her death. To force me to feel the daily ability to shed a tear as I remember her passing. Yet, in that moment when I feel the hot stream of a silent tear roll down my cheek, I know that I am alive. I am no longer numb to the world. This is her gift to me that I will cherish for the rest of my life. And the quiet comfort of knowing that I am loveable and deserving of love.

I have taken to walking to work starting last week when I don't have my daughter. I could bike, but the distance is short. Walking slows down the pace of life and I am making a point to look up at the skyline as I walk. It is too easy to get lost in the tunnel vision of what lies before us. Simply by tilting my head up by two inches, the world is a much bigger and more beautiful place. I see the soft white and grey clouds of the winter storms rolling in and the breaking light of the sun after the rain has washed all the dust and dirty away from the path before me. I see the Sunshine and it reminds me of you. Walking to work makes me feel more connected to my life and the neighborhood that I live in. Small details I had not nice come into focus. And it gives me time to talk to you and to day dream of things that could have been. This year will be five years since you left me. It seems like a long time ago and yet feels recent. The heartache is gone and now I just have the ritual of remembering you to keep your memory alive.

The mountains call to me and I hear your name whispered in the fluttering of the pine needles as the gust of wind rushes past me. As I walk down the narrow and worn trail I hear the gurgling of the stream next to me and I feel your presence besides me. In the waters of the mountain there is life and there are the river of tears that we have both shed as the worlds of life and death keep us apart. Only upon the trail can I hear your voice ringing in the memory of my ears that have been robbed of your voice. No longer do they hear the laughter from your lips and I can no longer imagine the smile upon your face as you listen to my words. I stop for a moment's rest upon the trail and reach out to touch the cold waters rushing by and I feel connected to you. Fingers all at once refreshed and numb from the waters. Waters deep with desires unfulfilled and threaten to suck me into the darkness that is your world. Yet, I am tethered to this world of light until time takes me and I leave this world for yours.

Merry Xmas my little pain in the ass. I smile when I think of the sound of your voice. The mock anger in it, the relentless manner in which you would tell me to fuck off. I know that fuck you really meant I love you. A love that we shared that did not needed to be voiced all that too often as it was something that we felt. Time passes and the memory of you fades just a little bit more. The sound of your voice is often hard for me to recall. Time robs me of that part of you. Yet, I still recall the feelings we had for each other. The intense desire and lust to fulfill each other's needs. In the end, wanted to so badly just hold you in my arms tenderly and to fiercely hold you so that you would know that everything would be okay. I still wish we could have had that singular moment. But the harsh reality of it is all is that you died before we could embrace. I am here....living my life as you would have wanted. I am content....sharing my life with someone and on the path towards love. Yet, I will always have space in my heart for you. Merry Xmas my little pain in the ass....I think of you and smile without shedding tears.

The rain falls and taps on the roof in the evening time. I hear the ebb and flow of the tides of the rainfall tapping on the roof. Sometimes there are angry sheets of rainfall that tumbles down from the heavens. There are the softer moments when the heaven's fury gives way to gentle gust of rain that slaps across the sides of the house. In bed, alone, I am warm and snug. The house is quite, save for the rain and the echo of a clock steadily ticking away in the minutes of the night. I sit up in my bed looking into the darkness and simply listening to the rainfall and think of you. I wish that you were next to me to feel the warmth of your body next to mine. I imagine the conversations that we would have. The muted whispers of affection and to simply hear the sound of your voice in my ears once again. As hard as my ears might strain to hear your voice in this blanket of darkness that envelops me, I only hear the pattering of the rain outside or is it the sound of my silent tears falling.

Would you simply smirk and chuckle at the strangeness of seeing the man you fell in love with....who was only words upon your screen and a voice over the phone? What would it have been like? Would the fantasies of what we had been realized? Would the reality of seeing each others shatter the magic? I think not because the connection I feel with you is still deep and profound. Death makes you perfect because you can no longer disappoint me beyond the pain in my chest of missing you. The world is not perfect, but the journey ahead of me is exciting and I will be okay. I just wish that I could have had more time with you. When the death of my marriage has come, I selfishly wish you could have been able to greet me with open arms. Be well my love and always know that you are remembered.

Misty I feel the ache in my heart that makes me think of you. I see the images of BDSM in my mind's eye and my heart skips a beat. There is the hot boiling rush of lust that fills my lungs and warms my flesh. I think of you and mourn not only for the life lost and your being taken from this world, but the lose of my desires that found a home within your heart. I torment myself simply to wonder what you looked like. To wonder what it would have been like at our first meeting. Would I kiss you tenderly or would I take you by the back of the neck and pull your head back by your hair to suckle upon your breast and use my teeth to nibble at your erect buds? Would you cry out in lustful abandon? Would you have cried in happiness?

Misty...I had a great day today. Spent the day back in my house with my new girl friend snuggling on the couch and watching the Walking Dead together. Being back in my own home after having been out of the house for so long due to my divorce was nice. In the middle of it, I realized that I was happy...silly, grinning happy. It only dawned on me later in the later afternoon that this was the day that you pasted away and were taken from me. I know you are happy for me and I hope you know that I still cherish you in my heart and that I can never forget you. I know that you would never want me to wallow in sadness and I try to keep that in mind when I think of you. I still have my regrets that we never met in real life. So many unfulfilled desires, lustful fantasies that I wanted to play out with you. The intensity of what you wanted and needed from me scared me and turned me on all at the same time. I will likely never have a chance to fulfill them, but I still have my daydreams of you.

Misty, I am here again to visit you. Oddly, it has just occurred to me that the 25th is coming soon and it will be another year since you have died. It will have been four years. Four years does not seem long to me and much about my memories of you are still clear. the sound of your voice rings in my ears, but is faded to the tone and details of your voice. I miss making you laugh. I went out to the mountains with a group of friends. I had a chance to be by a alpine mountain lake with blue and emerald colored waters that stole my breath away when I jumped in to wash the dirt of the trail and the sweat from my body. I laid out on the warm granite to dry myself. I thought of you and felt close to you whenever the mountain waters are near me. You said to me that you would be in the waters....that is where I would find you. Trails are always by the waters, because water is life. I remember your life and celebrate it. My life is good and the woman that I am seeing makes me happy. Smile down upon me and know that I am well and smile because you are important to me and should not be a life forgotten. I can love many people and still have room in my heart for you with out cheating the woman I am seeing. Be well my Sunshine.

Yesterday I removed my necklace that my grandmother gave to me when I was either 18 or 20 years ago. A lucky jade stone that is very common to my people. I have worn it everyday with few exceptions. The stone is stained a light brown from years of rubbing against my bare skin. It has been with me on all of my travels. I will no longer wear it. I have planned on leaving with you at your grave site, if I could only find out where your grave site is. To touch your name plate and to cry in earnest for you and us. Maybe a sense of closure. However, today I have removed it and will never wear it again. This is my second chance in life and the start of something new and wonderful. Maybe taking this necklace off is one step in letting you go.