Still new and trying to make this work...

[xxsnake]

My Dom is trying to still work into the lifestyle of BDSM. But, I can tell he is way out of his league. He questions everything and I mean everything.. We have been over and over limitations, rules, playtimes, etc, etc, etc. and he has yet to collar me and we have yet to have "play-time" because I refuse to go in uncollared (he wants to be a "Master" not a "Sir", we both want everything down in contract before we go into it). We have been discussing this for over 3 months (and part of the reason is because a medical issue came up and required that I have surgery). Now, after surgery, he is afraid of hurting me (even though I told him that he wouldn't be). Now, he questions what will happen if he leaves a mark on me and I had to go to the doctor. I told him that it was none of their business.. Of course, now he is questioning that. He isn't very dominate (bless the guy, he tries to be, but it seems like he cracks a grin and starts laughing being in "dom-mode talk"). He never was very dominate but he says that he wants to be, not only for me but he wants to get there. I just want to get there, I feel like I have to question if he is really into this or just doing it for me (since I was the one to bring it into our vanilla relationship after a long pure-vanilla relationship). Like I said, we have been working on communication but it is hard, he is gone all week 7-10 days and home for 1-2 days, not much talk happens when he is gone, once a day if we are lucky.

Is there any hope on getting there?? I read up and suggest sites for him (inwhich he is on here too) but it seems like he wants me to tell him what to do and how to do it. What to do and not to do. He asked me even if I wanted to top him every once in awhile (inwhich I have no desire to do) and had to tell him over and over that I didn't want that. But I feel like I am doing everything and he is just out there in left field and not caring...

[Snark]

Is he afraid of hurting you or is he afraid that hurting you might cause him to lose you? Or can he not stand to inflict any pain on anything at all? But why is a contract required to find out if either of you really like it or want it? "Dom-mode talk"? He grins because he isn't comfortable playing a role...but the role has to be comfortable for him to enjoy it. Don't make things so difficult. Whether he is loud and fierce or quiet and stern or uses hand signals, keep it simple to start. There is a world of things that can done to inflict discomfort without causing massive bruising or blood loss. You might consider finding a local Dom to visit together for him to get a better understanding of what you want without the conflict of doing it "wrong" or making an error that could jeopardize the relationship. If both of you can't find some satisfaction from it, maybe it's just not going to work

[_ID_]

That he's doing it for you tells me he is NOT a Dominant, nor will he be.

[agog ab]

i agree with ID. It doesn't sound like he is a Dom as much as a boyfriend getting off on some kink and bossiness...

i think you both need to sit down separately and decide what you want and expect to get out of this, then get together and be honest. IMO, it doesn't sound as if either of you have a real understanding of what you really want, or what the other is thinking.

[Ozme52]

I will always applaud those who try to satisfy their partner's need for kink... and have rarely seen a partner who is fully satisfied by it.

It's just the nature of the beast. Those who don't viscerally enjoy the activities will never/rarely provide the essence of what their partner craves. It's just another reason I support open relationships, because I also see no reason that otherwise compatible couples should break up. If you can't get what you need from your partner, discuss alternative sources.

-Oz (provider of alternatives. )

[DowntownAmber]

Relationships take time to evolve. A couple days every week and a half to work out something as complex as BDSM chemistry and roles seems like it may be putting too much pressure on actual growth.

Maybe ID is 100% correct in saying that your partner is not dominant, but I'm of the opinion that it's a little too early in the game to say for sure. Dominants have different styles and approaches, maybe your guy simply hasn't found his groove. The desire may be there (as you said he doesn't want to do it just for you but for himself as well) but the mode of execution simply needs to be felt out.

A lot of men that are inclined to be dominant hold back initially due to the concern of inadvertently crossing the line to abuse, or being seen (by your Doctor, for example) as an abuser. Getting over this is a bigger hump than you just telling him it'll be fine. Start with play that doesn't leave marks, for example. Instead of signing an all encompassing contract, write up basic parameters for each pint sized session until you work up to something that resembles an actual lifestyle.

Speaking of starting small and working your way up, why, if I may ask, do you "need" to be collared before playing? It's a little like entering marathon in an effort to start getting into shape. A jog around the block is a much better way to go, even if you have talked your way though how the marathon should work for months. Knowing how to do something in theory and actually doing it are two totally different things, and expecting a flawless performance just because you know the "rules" is setting yourself up for disappointment for sure. Masters aren't made overnight - no one goes pro right out of the gate.

You know your relationship better than any of us here on the forums, but from your description in your post my biggest advice would be to simply lighten up. Not all BDSM needs to be serious, dark, littered with "Dom Speak," perfect fantasy encounters. First and foremost it's supposed to be fun. Some of my best and most pleasurable BDSM moments have involved a lot of laughing and giggling and learning. You have a guy that is trying and is wanting to make progress not only for you but for himself, and (ask a lot of the ladies here) that is a rare and precious commodity.

(And if all else fails, just rent an Oz...lol)

[xxsnake]

Oz - We do have an "open relationship" but never seen the need to "branch out" to other areas. I did discuss this with him when we first talked about going into this and we decided not to "play around" with this part of our relationship... I am not very trusting to other people other than my DH (especially when it comes to guys).

ID - Like I said, he isn't doing this just for me. I have went over that with him and told him that if it was just for me, then we wouldn't do it.

Snark - Me walking out of our relationship isn't an issue (we have been together for over 9 years and married for 7). This isn't going to split us up. He is just afraid of someone seeing marks or bruises. I don't have an issue with it. I have dealt with all of that through my teenage years. But, I would love to find someone local but I don't even know where to start looking for such a person. Plus, privacy is a must for me...

DAmber - I think you totally hit it on the head. I am going to bring this up and see what we can do to move foward. I think both tried to over think everything. Go in with everything in writing. We do tend to do that both in our lives already and I think to us, it just seemed like it needed to be all out there. I will sit down and talk with him when he gets back into town next weekend though. Yeah, and I could totally see what my husband would say about renting an Oz for the night...

[Stone]

HMMM....everything worked out in contract form first?....where does that leave any room to grow or expand?....things you think you might like you actually might not like....and things you think you might not like you might love.......seems to me you need to do some voyaging of discovery before getting off at the final destination.....I am an experienced dom and I would not want everything set in stone..chuckles at that.....before we even started playing....bdsm have alot of room for growth and discovery

[Snark]

Congratulations on your perseverance...though I really meant what might not work was the D/s thing, not necessarily the relationship. It's certainly easy to over think things. These activities are supposed to enhance, not distract, from a relationship. Confining chastisements to areas generally covered by clothing is easier during the winter - more area to work with. Keep it light and fun...at least to start.
New Concept - RENT-THE-OZ!

[Ozme52]

Heheh

[_ID_]

Let me highlight the things you said that tells me he isn't going to be your Dominant.

My Dom is trying to still work into the lifestyle of BDSM. But, I can tell he is way out of his league. He questions everything and I mean everything.. We have been over and over limitations, rules, playtimes, etc, etc, etc. and he has yet to collar me and we have yet to have "play-time" because I refuse to go in uncollared (he wants to be a "Master" not a "Sir", we both want everything down in contract before we go into it). We have been discussing this for over 3 months (and part of the reason is because a medical issue came up and required that I have surgery). Now, after surgery, he is afraid of hurting me (even though I told him that he wouldn't be). Now, he questions what will happen if he leaves a mark on me and I had to go to the doctor. I told him that it was none of their business.. Of course, now he is questioning that. He isn't very dominate (bless the guy, he tries to be, but it seems like he cracks a grin and starts laughing being in "dom-mode talk"). He never was very dominate but he says that he wants to be, not only for me but he wants to get there. I just want to get there, I feel like I have to question if he is really into this or just doing it for me (since I was the one to bring it into our vanilla relationship after a long pure-vanilla relationship). Like I said, we have been working on communication but it is hard, he is gone all week 7-10 days and home for 1-2 days, not much talk happens when he is gone, once a day if we are lucky.

Is there any hope on getting there?? I read up and suggest sites for him (inwhich he is on here too) but it seems like he wants me to tell him what to do and how to do it. What to do and not to do. He asked me even if I wanted to top him every once in awhile (inwhich I have no desire to do) and had to tell him over and over that I didn't want that. But I feel like I am doing everything and he is just out there in left field and not caring...