Fighting

[bip0lar]

I think this thread would be more appropriate for those not living a 24/7 TPE relationship, yet, as well, those who don't only use it as 'playing' during sex. That isn't to say that I'm not lucking for input from everybody willing to share, I'm just focusing my question on those who are balancing or trying to balance D/s (and whatever comes with it for them) with a more or less vanilla relationship. How do you deal with fighting? Not so much when it comes to kids, cause I understand a mother's instincts can sometimes overpower her submissive instincts (although that can obviously be manifested through a variety of reactions), but when it comes to one having done something wrong, relationship wise. Maybe it's money, maybe it's work, maybe it's college or uni or maybe it's the topic of cheating. Politics and religion I don't necessarily add because of fear of the discussion turning to subs not being doormats without will. I'm not suggesting anything of the sort, I'm just wondering how the power dynamics might change in your relationship at that moment or if the D/s aspect of it kicks in.
For the doms, do you distinguish between physical violence and corporal punishment? Will you punish your sub/partner when they have said something (or done something) you disagree with or find improper? And what if it's a fight sparked because of something _you_ actually did? Would you accept whatever's coming to you and apologise, talk it through, or would your dom role kick in and get you in control even if you "deserved" to be in the doghouse?
For the subs, when you've done something wrong, do you expect to be punished as a sub, whatever that may mean in your relationship? Are the terms of fighting 'equal' or are you always the sub in front of your dom, keeping to your protocol, if you have one? And how easy is it for you to actually begin a fight, as a sub?
Speaking for myself, I don't like shouting, so fighting is mostly out of the question. However, when I had to fight with my partner a few days ago it took only a few minutes for him to switch to dom mode and me to switch to sub mode, cause he lowered his voice and explained the situation to me, showing me that i'd had judged wrong in thinking what i'd thought, but he did stop me at the first swear word that came out of my mouth with a simple "you don't talk to me like that, girl." --which worked. Cause i remembered that, indeed, i don't talk to him like that, not because of any other reason than i don't want to ever talk to him like that--especially if i was in the wrong all along. But it got me wondering, what if next time i'm right? Would i back off as easy? Cause i don't think i'd like that, i'd like to know that i can stand my ground not only outside, at work, or at uni, but also especially in my relationship. Although i love and respect him, i also know that he's not perfect, just like the rest of us, and he might slip up and do something i disapprove of, as a partner.
So how do you folks deal?

[leah06]

Here's the thing, for me. Everyone's mileage will vary, obviously. But for me, good D/s manners are very similar to good vanilla manners. In my vanilla marriage I never swore at my husband, and we rarely raised our voices. But we still fought and argued sometimes. The thing is, there are - or should be - ground rules for how to fight in ANY relationship. If you think that just because you're angry you can just say or do anything, it's very damaging to the relationship.

So I know that, whether I was right or wrong about the dispute, if I'd begun to swear at my husband during a fight, he would have stopped me. He wouldn't have spoken in Dom mode, but he would have stopped me. As I would have stopped him.

My master and I don't argue much, and I don't think we've ever had a "fight". I worry about it a bit, because all couples fight and I wonder what that will be like when we do. I don't think that being a sub will make me less able to express myself, though, or more likely to give in.

As to punishment, if I violate what you might call a D/s norm, he might impose a punishment. If I mess up in what you might think of as a more vanilla setting, I don't think he would punish me. As we move more toward 24/7 that might change, but I doubt it.

[denuseri]

And it doesnt need to change eaither...24/7 and TPE doesnt mean one is chained up with a gag in their mouth inbetwen sessions...nor does it mean that you meekly crawl about never speaking your peace.

[VaAugusta]

Personally, I think that "fighting" should be separate from any sort of corporal punishment. If the "fight" has risen to a level in which both parties cannot see eye-to-eye on the subject, it is probably best to let it rest for a while and think it over. I imagine the submissive would find his/herself being wrongly punished, which should make the submissive start questioning the master/mistress.

[Jennifer Williams]

When my little one and I have an argument or disagreement, yes, his "sub-ness" can hinder him from expressing himself. But in those moments, when our relationship is "less than peachy", that is when I shut the hell up and listen the most. If I go into Dom mode at all, it is to force him to talk, because I need to know what's going on.

Because whatever is going on in both of our minds and both of our hearts has to come to the table, so we can discuss it, and resolve it. I would never, ever, ever try to oppress his real feelings and thoughts about something that was making him upset. I do the opposite; I encourage him with whatever I have to talk. I assure him that all bets are off, he can tell me what he's really feeling without fear of retribution, even if he knows I won't like what he's going to say. My goal is for our relationship to last, and that can only happen if we deal with issues as they arise.

Ignoring something or just trying to shut him up will not be useful, since he will still have such feelings and thoughts, and then they'll just brood.

So when we argue, who is "right" or "wrong" is less important than that we both feel our partner heard our side, cares about our point of view, and loves us enough to want to fix it.

I have apologized for things my share of times, and so has he. Most arguments end with both of us apologizing for saying something we didn't mean. We're both human, so of course we both have moments where we hurt each other. But so long as we both believe we'd never want to hurt the other, and that we sincerely wish to correct the situation, we can remind each other that our love is stronger than some argument and we'll get through it, solve it, and be happy again.

Oh, and make-up sex is definitely the best kind of sex you can have; because that is when you appreciate each other's company the most.

[skittish doe]

...we both feel our partner heard our side, cares about our point of view, and loves us enough to want to fix it.

Well said.

[openyoureyes]

Personally, I think that "fighting" should be separate from any sort of corporal punishment. If the "fight" has risen to a level in which both parties cannot see eye-to-eye on the subject, it is probably best to let it rest for a while and think it over. I imagine the submissive would find his/herself being wrongly punished, which should make the submissive start questioning the master/mistress.

I would agree with this. My current boyfriend and I are still new in our relationship, but we have arguments all the time and they never result in a 'punishment' like other things would. I'm sure he'd like them to on ocassion, but he's very respectful of my opinions even when we don't see eye to eye. However, like with any relationship, it's good to be respectful and not resort to swearing or name calling. I think sometimes we all slip on that, but it's more something that would be stopped by the other person, not something that would be punishable. But I also think that's something specific to each relationship.

[Matin]

I believe that fighting should have ground rules, like boxing. There are some places one just should not go. Agreeing to that beforehand can keep alot of nastiness out of a fight. You'll both know from go what buttons not to push.

Works for me.