24/7 etc in real life experience

[13'sbadkitty]

ok, i will try to ask this clearly and not too vague or tangential, no promises.
pardon my ignorance
when a D/s couple live together and decide on it being 24/7 how does that translate for people who have kids, jobs? ya know Life!
what are the ways people have used to foster this part of their relationships whether it be training, play, punishment, tasks...whatever?
How is it dealt with when either party is going through things, no matter what that make it difficult for one to be all they can be so to speak with the other? ex a cranky sub whose going through things, a distracted Master with work issues, idk anything could fit the list.
how is it defined as different from TPE also? or is it?

Master and i are finding O/our way through life as a soon to be married couple living as a D/s couple. W/we began by playing and its morphing as time goes by. i have never been in a bdsm relationship before and He only had "play" time. W/we are learning about eachother and this way of life as W/we go and everyones experiences here help me quite a bit in understanding myself and what i going through. thanks for your help in advance

[_ID_]

Having the roles defined is the best thing to help you when life intrudes. Communication is of the up most importance, and keeping that line of communication open when times of stress or changes in life interrupt the normal routine.

When there are nilla's or kids around, and it would be inappropriate to use whatever pet name you have for each other that helps you feel in your role of the relationship, come up with another that means the same thing, just a little less obviously overt. Things like Sir and My Love are not as ear catching for nilla's as would be Master or Lord. Similarly, if he were to call you my sweet or princess rather than my pet or my slut.

My slave and I have a 10yo who is used to her calling me Master. He asked us about it once, and we told him I am the Master of her heart, and she likes referring to me as Master for this reason. He accepted that, and has even talked about how much it shows how we love each other when she uses that. When around others who are non kinky she will use my first name, or refer to me as 'my love'. It hasn't raised any questions thus far, and helps her maintain her feeling of submission towards me.

I also do little things for her that helps her feel my dominion over her when we are in public. I insist that I open all doors for her, and that if she gets to a door first she is to wait. At this point in our relationship she feels like she is breaking a rule if she does open a door without me telling her to do so. Any nilla seeing us just sees this as me being gentlemanly towards her. My sister in law even gave my brother a hard time when she saw me doing this. Saying "how come you don't do that for me?". My brother later told me it got him in a little hot water, and we chuckled about it.

Whatever little thing you can find, be it opening doors, or choosing menu items etc... Use that to further your relationship, and foster the feeling of D/s between you two. You might be surprised to find some of the things you do in service or submission is seen as a modern day June Clever role by many nilla people. When queried, just respond that this is how you prefer things between you and your partner. They will most often let things go at that, knowing you are happy with how you live your life.

As a little side note, my slave and I were interviewed by another kinky site as a pod cast. You can listen to that two part interview at the following link (will require getting the free membership to listen).

http://mydungeonspace.com/dungeonvox/

It is titled "A Master and His Slave" And as mentioned it's in two parts.

From what I understand a few people have found it helpful. Perhaps you will as well, perhaps you won't. Just wanted to offer it, since it sorta applied to the question you asked.

[13'sbadkitty]

thank you for your words here and sharing the podcast as well. i think that as Master and i have handled learning about BDSM relationships from very different sources. i have been the one to look up all i can and ask a million questions, He didn't have nearly as much trouble with acceptance as i did also so He didn't feel the need to "understand" everything in the way i do. the more i hear from others i believe that i am on the right track for U/us and how to find O/our way through all this. He very much likes the door thing by the way as it was something that seemed to be there all on its own with the exception of me waiting for Him. some of the household service things were things i did already but my attitude is different. i appreciate your feedback very much

[_ID_]

You're welcome.

There are a zillion other little things that can help you feel submission. Just keep an eye out for them. Things like having you wait to sit at a restaurant until he tells you to, or ordering your food for you. When shopping if you were to keep to one side, or slightly behind, or whatever he desires. When watching TV if you were to sit on the floor next to his feet. I know a couple that enjoys her sleeping on the floor next to his bed. I asked her about it, and she said that she wants to be lower than him, and that helps her fill that need.

Be creative, have fun, and communicate. I think you will find things will naturally fall into place for both of you.

[AnticipatingPain]

As a little side note, my slave and I were interviewed by another kinky site as a pod cast. You can listen to that two part interview at the following link (will require getting the free membership to listen).

http://mydungeonspace.com/dungeonvox/

It is titled "A Master and His Slave" And as mentioned it's in two parts.

From what I understand a few people have found it helpful. Perhaps you will as well, perhaps you won't. Just wanted to offer it, since it sorta applied to the question you asked.

I have listened to this today and would just like to say a big thank you. Its informative yet romantic, I can honestly say I have learnt a great deal. So many thanks to you both.

[_ID_]

Glad you found it helpful. So you're welcome.

[fetishdj]

There are also other ways to communicate when 'others' are around. I have found text messages to be a wonderfully subversive way of reminding someone that they are under control. They are at work, their personal phone (cos I wouldn't condone using a work mobile for this) message alert goes off, they read a message that says 'you are my slave and I love you' or even 'tonight I want you to have your ankle and wrist cuffs on by the time I get home' and that gives that wonderful frission of anticipation and a sense that their Master is ever present but no one knows about it - the message can be deleted.

You can do the same with e-mail. You can also do thiings like leave notes in thier handbag with instructions and command them to wear things under thier normal clothes where no one else can see them but they are aware of them. Basically, it is a case of deciding how far you can push it without being caught...

Another thing I would recommend is setting aside time to be alone with each other. Getting the kids out of the house (or getting out of the house yourself and leaving a babysitter in charge) and spending a few hours a week just being Master and slave. If you can, it is also worth setting aside one room to be your 'kink room'. Basements are good for this but any spare room will do. Put a good lock on it and use that for your play activities and storing any equipment.

[13'sbadkitty]

that is i think the main reason He keeps me using the upper and lower case for M/s, W/we do text quite a bit being on different work schedules and all and He wants me to go through the extra effort. i have a blackberry and i have to type and backspace to create an i rather than an I. W/we have also started a notebook for me to write down when i do something wrong so that when W/we do have time to be alone there is a reminder as to why i am in trouble. When He is on prednisone, corporal punishment isn't exactly the best idea...that good ol roid rage! W/we are looking forward to some modifications for O/our bedroom so that He can have His floggers and the like hanging for easy selection.
W/we have been working on the time alone together thing fetish, i think you are right as when W/we didn't live together W/we did as much as W/we could to have that and now it has been supplanted by work and kids as W/we have allowed it.
i am so looking forward to His recovery ( He is asthmatic with heart issues and is not recovering from an upper respiratory infection, 3rd cycle of prednisone and antibiotics) as His difficulty breathing and the medications have of course effected Him and the household. He is truly a "Head of Household" kind of man and His well-being or lack there of does work its way through us all. thanks fetish!

[fetishdj]

Sorry to hear he has health problems at the moment. I hope he gets well soon. The effects of steroids on the body can be brutal.

[13'sbadkitty]

thank you, it has been hard on Him for so long with this bout. i many times can only help Him by reassuring Him that He isn't treating us all as badly as He feels He is. He is concerned because of the intensity of all of this on His body and psyche as well. i do believe that this has made all of us to be walking on egg shells as no one wants to make this harder on Him than it needs to be. it has made it also harder on O/our D/s relationship i think because He is so tense that perspective is hard to keep. For the most part i try and maintain as submissive a stance as i can and i believe He is maintaining as gentle as He can because it would be so easy for Him to go to far with regards to impact toys. i know that this is why i am questioning how to carry this out better, i don't want Him to feel my stress as He has enough.

[Jennifer Williams]

I am so sorry to hear about your Master's health issues, there are few things as stressful as having to deal with medical problems. I can certainly understand your desire to relieve him of as much stress as possible. It sounds to me like you have a very strong relationship capable of weathering things like this, especially since you said he is so worried about the way he's treating the family. Maybe remind him that it's alright if he does make mistakes, as you will forgive him. As far as the D/s aspect goes, remember also that not every session has to be perfect or go according to plan in order for your relationship to remain strong. If you have to put certain things aside for a time until he is well, that is okay. Sometimes facing a new constraint can force you to get creative to find replacements for a missing activity, and can wind up enhancing your relationship in the end

[denuseri]

One doesnt have to include others directly in ones bedroom activities now do they?

What I mean is, being 24/7 and or in a TPE doesnt mean one has to be naked and running around with a dildo up one's ass all the time if you know what I mean.

There are plenty of subtle ways to fit bdsm into one's lifestyle without advertising.

For the most part, an outward uninitiated observer wouldn't have the slightest clue as to the fact that I am an owned slave. Nor does, my mother who btw lives with us (I am her home healthcare provider), nor my co-workers, nor my other family and friends etc.

[Paelus]

It's usually very easy to maneuver around the un-initiated, the vanilla, world at large. Not always, but usually. And discipline need not be spoken. Most times, all Y/you need is a knowing glance to know what message the O/other is trying to convey. This gets easier the longer Y/you are together and in tune with one A/another.
Nor does punishment need to be physical. I rarely use a physical form of punishment Myself, because I feel that 1) the punishment should always fit the offense, and 2) the punishment should serve as a lasting reminder and a way of teaching or correcting bad behavior or judgment. And I ALWAYS follow this up by requiring an essay (of various lengths, depending on the severity of the infraction) that lets Me know that, not only does she understand what she did wrong, but also WHY it was wrong, what a correct alternative would have been, and how she plans to avoid the incident in the future.
Now, as with everything, this is only My style and every relationship is different. I just share it as the only real-life example that I have a working knowledge of, and perhaps it might be something Y/you find useful in Y/your own life.

D/s vs M/s (TPE):
The only TRUE difference, in My understanding, between a Dominant/submissive relationship and a Master/slave (or Total Power Exchange), is the level of commitment. In a D/s relationship, the submissive gives the gift her submission to the Dominant with every exchange, whether by actual verbalization, or simple unspoken agreement.
In the M/s relationship (TPE), the slave submits to her Master once (as in, once and for always), with total trust and unselfish release of all control of her person, and binds herself to Him for life. This is more than any simple marriage and should not be entered into lightly... but when you know absolutely for certain that He/She is THE One... and allow yourself that FINAL release, the rewards are unlimited.

As always, these are just My opinions, based solely upon My perception and personal experiences. I hope it helps.

PAELUS

[_ID_]

D/s vs M/s (TPE):
The only TRUE difference, in My understanding, between a Dominant/submissive relationship and a Master/slave (or Total Power Exchange), is the level of commitment. In a D/s relationship, the submissive gives the gift her submission to the Dominant with every exchange, whether by actual verbalization, or simple unspoken agreement.
In the M/s relationship (TPE), the slave submits to her Master once (as in, once and for always), with total trust and unselfish release of all control of her person, and binds herself to Him for life. This is more than any simple marriage and should not be entered into lightly... but when you know absolutely for certain that He/She is THE One... and allow yourself that FINAL release, the rewards are unlimited.

As always, these are just My opinions, based solely upon My perception and personal experiences. I hope it helps.

PAELUS

Paelus, I like your version of TPE and D/s but I can't agree that those are the typical ways they differ.

In my experience (same as you these are my opinions based on observation) the only real difference between M/s (TPE) and D/s is how those involved in the relationship define it.

For example the dynamic my slave and I have we refer to as M/s but I know of a number of couples who are full time live in couples who's lives in the BDSM sense are far more restrictive and have a more M/s feel (from my point of view) than does ours. Yet they say they are only D/s.

My point. Your relationship is what you make it to be. Not what others think it should be.

[fetishdj]

A lot of people do tend to redefine terms based on thier own preferences - look at the mess created by the definitions of 'sub/slave' in the lifestyle! Though I agree that the above definitions are good ones...

Of course, you can have a TPE set up where the sub does not always act submissive. The Dom can say 'Revealing any aspect of our lifestyle to outsiders without permission is forbidden and will be punished, this over rides any other orders' which means that:

- if a sub is doing a task and risks being caught, they have to stop the task to obey the long term order and should not get punished for not completing it on time (so long as they do eventually complete it when it is safe to do so)

- the sub is forbidden from calling their Dom 'master' in company or using any other term or mannerism which risks revealing that they are in a BDSM relationship.

So, by this method, the secret is safe without the sub at any point failing to obey thier Master's orders.

[Jennifer Williams]

My point. Your relationship is what you make it to be. Not what others think it should be.

Exactly.

I think every relationship is as unique as the individuals who make it up, and sometimes thinks like labels just get in the way. For example, I am an impatient person, and my sub has infinite patience with no bounds (one reason we go very well together). If we are in a group of people and I start getting riled up, he'll reign me in by putting his hand on my shoulder, and in that little moment you might say he's dominant over me, as I allow him to control my actions. I love that, we need that, it makes both of us better people and who cares what you call it when both of us are happy?