Thankyou all , I will see him thursday , You have opened my eyes to things I hadnt considered
Brwnydgirl , you are right , the circumstances are no excuse , and yes I could have stopped it at the beginning . I suppose I was just trying to justify to myself . I must take responsibility and admit to myself that I am guilty. And yes a physical 'punishment' would actually be a reward . I would not be scared of that, but am scared of the pain I will cuase him and the harm to the relationship, Of him seeing me in a bad light .
Bobbitsj, Again you are right , This had been a bit of a pattern . but previously was out in the open . A kind of protection against commitment and getting too close . Before it has always felt 'right'.
This time it was , and felt, terribly ,terribly wrong . I feel deep inside it will never happen again . It has shown me the way along this path is not going to be as easy as i maybe thought, and i need to take more care , thoughtfulness and responsibility for my actions .
Leah06. I think your comment has made the most sense . It is a 'relationship ' issue . after all it is the relationship that makes the BDSM so fulfilling .
pervertedpages . thankyou , you have made me see the selfishness in my wanting forgiveness/punishment . He comes first !.
To everyone else . thankyou for taking the time to reply , and give your insight . It has all given me a balanced perspective on which to base my desicion .
I have a couple more days to decide . Love to you all
As yet I am still unsure of what I will do .