a sonnet - Deep Hue

[TheDeSade]

This is one of my very first efforts at a shakespearean sonnet style. I am attracted to sonnets because of the strict construction requirements. I hope you find it not to amateurish.

My love is tinted with a different hue.
Painted from a pallet of darker shades.
Passion more suited for when the light fades.
Desires misunderstood except for a few
who share an uncommon passionate view.
Seeking the emotional equal trades
not tainted with false and empty chirades.
The giving and taking among those who
find their release in each others dark needs.
One who requires control freely given,
the other who gives with no question asked.
To each the other certain things concede
igniting a fire that is lust driven
uncommon emotion at last unmasked.

[Timberwolf]

I like the last few lines especially, good work.

[Echoes]

This is one of my very first efforts at a shakespearean sonnet style. I am attracted to sonnets because of the strict construction requirements. I hope you find it not to amateurish.

My love is tinted with a different hue.
Painted from a pallet of darker shades.
Passion more suited for when the light fades.
Desires misunderstood except for a few
who share an uncommon passionate view.
Seeking the emotional equal trades
not tainted with false and empty chirades.
The giving and taking among those who
find their release in each others dark needs.
One who requires control freely given,
the other who gives with no question asked.
To each the other certain things concede
igniting a fire that is lust driven
uncommon emotion at last unmasked.

dare I suggest to perhaps a tiny change to one word and read this to yourself, hearing the subtle change in rythme and flow in this line?
"The giving and taking amongst those who"

You show focus, control of words and rythme, and a passionate imagination...how dare you say I am unequalled...bla

[moptop]

I too write poems sometimes as exercises in form - rarely, I think any good, but this works. I had to do some investigation to understand the form you're using - classic Italian sonnet, I find (having been brought up in the Shakesperian tradition only, I was confused for a while).

I agree with echoes comment. I don't like "igniting a fire that is lust driven" - just feels a bit trite to me, but the rest is good with some nice imagery. Have no helpful suggestion, though...

[moptop]

PS - I especially like the first 3 lines!

[Talia]

My love is tinted with a different hue.
Painted from a pallet of darker shades.
Passion more suited for when the light fades.
Desires misunderstood except for a few
who share an uncommon passionate view.
Seeking the emotional equal trades
not tainted with false and empty chirades.
The giving and taking among those who
find their release in each others dark needs.
One who requires control freely given,
the other who gives with no question asked.To each the other certain things concede
igniting a fire that is lust driven
uncommon emotion at last unmasked.

DeSade...I wanted to say, you are an inspiration to the poetry section and hope you will continue to analize the poetry and give your views...

On that note I have a few too....

ok the first of the highlighted red I have a hard time flowing as I read through. I know with Shakespear one had to know the language of the time to grasp the beauty in the poetry. I'm wondering had we heard you resite this would it have flowed better. I am one that firmly beleives poetry isn't just to be read but heard as well.

ok...second of the highlighted red..."asked" kind of threw me off some...for me..it didn't fit quite right....not sure if the "d" is to hard for the end of the sentence but it's off somehow....

third of the red... as moptop pointed out..just doesn't flow with the whole of the poem.

As I said...if you were to read this out loud I'm sure we'd all say..ohhhh THAT'S how that should be sounding....

[TheDeSade]

Invites everyone over for a reading. . . . grins

truthfully, I appreciate all the truely thoughtful criticism. I am watching these carefully and considering the changes. I am sure that with such inspired help, the work will truley shine.