New Dom with experienced but resistant sub. Help me with discipline

[Cold Harbor]

My sub is extremely experienced having served several Doms each for many years. she professes to be service oriented to a fault, that she is compelled to make others happy. she acknowledges that she needs constant training and correction. I’m totally new to being a Dom (My sub has only been under Me for about three weeks) and so I’m trying to navigate My way through My responsibilities. Ours is also a remote relationship where we will meet every month for several days. We are in constant contact and she has opened up most of her life to Me. We both understand it will be challenging but we are both up for it. she has also told Me that she has a history of challenging her subs to see if she can keep them from giving her everything they’ve got.

So far it has been very challenging for Me. I have set what I consider very basic expectations. she is to lotion My pussy daily and send Me a photograph to confirm. she is to read a bdsm story daily and submit the story to Me with a paragraph about how it made her feel. she is to provide Me with all passwords to any internet profiles/email accounts that she has. There are other basic commands but these are the ones that are frustrating for Me. In addition to basic commands W/we are working on training for her with local men so that she is ready for Me when we are together.
Here’s My question/problem. she has been resistant to consistently fulfilling My basic commands. she is maybe 50% on submitting photographs and has yet to provide Me with the password to her more personal e-mail account. she went out last night with her husband (very open marriage. he was a previous dom. He knows about Me) and I instructed her that she was to wear a certain outfit and take a picture to forward to Me so that I would know how she looked. she was also to blog about the evening when she got home and forward to Me, whether she was drunk, tipsy, tired, or sober. she did neither. I received a short e-mail this morning that said she was sorry she’d disappointed me, that it had been a weird night, she’d partied too much, and was going to bed.

I find it all absolutely and fundamentally unacceptable. I have assigned punishments for early violations of My trust and commands. If I punished her for every violation so far My day would be consumed with checking up on her to see if she’s fulfilled them. she always apologizes profusely for failing to serve Me, says that she will do better, that she is committed to serving Me as My submissive, but yet the problem persists. Even if I do continue to punish her until she learns humility and complies, I don’t have enough experience to know what a good, simple punishment would be.

What are your thoughts on how I can achieve control over her behaviors? What punishments can you recommend that can be immediate and compelling?

Please help.

[SubLiza87]

::bows:: Sir, i am sorry... i'm a sub and perhaps should not be on here. However, i could not help but read this and find a relation between what You are going through, and what i have been through before. Sir, it seems to me that she wants to run when things get too hard. It appears she is not fully committed and doesn't want to get better. Some of those tasks are very easy to complete... as a sub, if i don't complete those tasks, it's because i am generally not interested. Perhaps You should talk with her and ask if this is what she really wants. her lack of committment just signals (to me atleast) that she isn't taking You seriously. That is completely unacceptable Sir... i hope things work out for You both.

[Cold Harbor]

Thanks subLiza87. That's the unforunate conclusion I'm drawing from it all.

[denuseri]

All I have to say is its not a good idea for anyone to share their account information with anyone and some kinds of pictures (ones in which someone is showing their face all the way etc) just are not safe to share online.

And that one should understand that quite naturally real life should come first over online fun.

[Cold Harbor]

denuseri,

Point well taken. Being new to this lifestyle I'm trying to discover the balance and boundaries both with my sub and through the collective experience of this community. I made the e-mail command because my sub expressly voiced the desire to be controlled in that fashion and had volunteered passwords to on-line websites already. I felt it was in line with existing expectations. The photo I requested was again in line with previous submissions, and would have been of her outfit only. But I sincerely respect and appreciate your perspective. My sub means the world to me. I would never want to exceed defined and reasonable boundaries with her. My sub and I had a very good conversation tonight (not a chat or email exchange but an actual conversation) where we cleared alot of this up and have agreed to reset if you will.

[Austerus]

I'm glad you got a reset and are approaching things fresh. I have to say there are a few red flags in your original post:

• As a dominant, safety is your responsibility. An eager online sub may want to take steps that are unsafe, but just because she says she's comfortable with them doesn't make it ok. If it's a good relationship it will build to the point where you can get email access, pictures, etc. but three weeks to personal email control is pretty iffy.
• Frankly it's pretty sketchy that she's married. Different strokes for different folks and all, but what are you looking for from the relationship? Do you want something longterm? If you do, are you willing to wreck a marriage? If so do you think she'd be willing to leave her husband for you? After three weeks? Why?
• Again, she's married. To a guy who used to be her dom. But who now is ok with other people dominating her, while he doesn't but still remains married to her in a relationship where they go out evenings. Really?
• "Training her with local men" sounds incredibly dangerous. If that means what it sounds like then it's begging for trouble. Is her husband going with her to keep her safe? If so then uhhh...that's weird. If not, then why are you comfortable sending your sub out with strangers when you are nowhere that you can provide support?

Anyhow, I don't mean to sound like a nattering old fuddy duddy. If you and she are happy and SSC then more power to you both. But it sounds kind of like an online relationship where people are letting their virtual passions get ahold of them in the moment, and are then balking at the real life implications once passions have cooled.

Assuming what you've represented in your original post is accurate, and if things get damaged again, then I think you might want to consider finding a sub in a more independent life circumstance, perhaps someone who is learning along with you and is willing to take small, sane steps down the road of discovery with you rather than trying to recreate a situation that she's lived before and obviously didn't work out too well the first times.

[scarlet_85]

I'm glad you got a reset and are approaching things fresh. I have to say there are a few red flags in your original post:

• As a dominant, safety is your responsibility. An eager online sub may want to take steps that are unsafe, but just because she says she's comfortable with them doesn't make it ok. If it's a good relationship it will build to the point where you can get email access, pictures, etc. but three weeks to personal email control is pretty iffy.
• Frankly it's pretty sketchy that she's married. Different strokes for different folks and all, but what are you looking for from the relationship? Do you want something longterm? If you do, are you willing to wreck a marriage? If so do you think she'd be willing to leave her husband for you? After three weeks? Why?
• Again, she's married. To a guy who used to be her dom. But who now is ok with other people dominating her, while he doesn't but still remains married to her in a relationship where they go out evenings. Really?
• "Training her with local men" sounds incredibly dangerous. If that means what it sounds like then it's begging for trouble. Is her husband going with her to keep her safe? If so then uhhh...that's weird. If not, then why are you comfortable sending your sub out with strangers when you are nowhere that you can provide support?

Anyhow, I don't mean to sound like a nattering old fuddy duddy. If you and she are happy and SSC then more power to you both. But it sounds kind of like an online relationship where people are letting their virtual passions get ahold of them in the moment, and are then balking at the real life implications once passions have cooled.

Assuming what you've represented in your original post is accurate, and if things get damaged again, then I think you might want to consider finding a sub in a more independent life circumstance, perhaps someone who is learning along with you and is willing to take small, sane steps down the road of discovery with you rather than trying to recreate a situation that she's lived before and obviously didn't work out too well the first times.

Ok... well... honestly, I agree with all of the above stated. The whole relationship sounds completely unstable with a lack of commitment and devotion. Please forgive me if I am out of line. It sounds to me that your sub may be confused at this point in her life. It seems like she's allowing herself to be put in detrimental situations for the fulfillment of being submissive. I would safely say that this D/s relationship has way too many red flags. I've never understood the on-line side BDSM, however, it seems that those that do participate in it, follow the rules to a T. Again, sorry... but it appears that she's half assing her role as a devoted submissive that seeks satisfying her Master.

I think you doing an in depth conversation and resetting boundaries was a good thing. My only question is: if it reverts back to the way things had been, how many times are you willing to reset the roles?

I apologize for any negativity that I have pushed on to the topic. I think I have interpreted it all as a bad match. I feel horrible for saying that

Regardless, I will hope for the best for the both of you.

[scarlet_85]

Sorry... I just caught the part where you guys do get together in real life... my opinion is about the same though.

How does she act when you are together in the same room?

[leanne1]

Please forgive this sub for commenting, but i feel a connection. i often fail to do what my Master asks of me, because i greatly enjoy the punishment. Also, a lot of times, i feel like a child, because though i should not, i test my Master, and push him, hoping he will put me in my place. Maybe this sub simply Wants to be punished more. Again, i apologize for sticking my nose in this conversation.

[Chris2]

Please forgive this sub for commenting, but i feel a connection. i often fail to do what my Master asks of me, because i greatly enjoy the punishment. Also, a lot of times, i feel like a child, because though i should not, i test my Master, and push him, hoping he will put me in my place. Maybe this sub simply Wants to be punished more. Again, i apologize for sticking my nose in this conversation.

Don't apologize for doing nothing wrong. While this may be in the Dominant's Dungeon, it's always beneficial to see the other side of the coin.

Subs have their rights too.

[Cold Harbor]

I appreciate the additional perspectives and feedback. The propensity to run before walking in on-line relationships is a very real thing. My sub and I have talked about that and we're doing our best to keep things in perspective. I think one of the reasons things went sideways is specifically because of the rapid pace at which things suddenly developed.

@ Austeris. Thank you for your feedback. Your observations mean a lot to me. You said the following:

•Frankly it's pretty sketchy that she's married. Different strokes for different folks and all, but what are you looking for from the relationship? Do you want something longterm? If you do, are you willing to wreck a marriage? If so do you think she'd be willing to leave her husband for you? After three weeks? Why?

She is in fact married. But as one would expect, its become a very hollow relationship, a friend-friend, almost father-daughter thing, strange as that may sound. He pursues his relationships, she pursues hers. He still exerts significant control over her though, which lead to some of the initial frustration. Difficult to administer discipline if he's controlling how she does other things. Am I concerned she'll leave her husband for me? I don't think she would, not at this point. She has a daughter in high school and so must be there for her in as stable a home situation as she can manage. And I respect that. I don't know where our relationship will ultimately end up. I know neither of us is in a position to move to be with the other person, so if it turns into a long term relationship, which I want it to, it will remain long distance for the forseeable future.

•Again, she's married. To a guy who used to be her dom. But who now is ok with other people dominating her, while he doesn't but still remains married to her in a relationship where they go out evenings. Really?

Very open relationship. I think at some point he just stopped caring but has no desire of his own to move on. She tells me that she believes that while he doesn't want to own her he enjoys keeping her from having local relationships that go beyond men who will dom her. Now I could be wrong and it could all be pure bullshit. But her communications with me (email, text, video chat) have all been extremely consistent.

•"Training her with local men" sounds incredibly dangerous. If that means what it sounds like then it's begging for trouble. Is her husband going with her to keep her safe? If so then uhhh...that's weird. If not, then why are you comfortable sending your sub out with strangers when you are nowhere that you can provide support?

The "training her with local men" grew out of a couple existing relationships she had with men who were familiar with and her kinks and who she was already comfortable with. That has since ended. Her husband is a police officer and is quite capable of keeping her safe, though she tells me he has never had to come to her rescue. I never was comfortable with it. It did contribute to our intitial falling out. I felt it was a part of our relationship that would provide her with discipline and phyical contact with men she was familiar with during periods where I could not be there. We have both come to the agreement that she doesn't need it/them and so the only men in her life going forward will be me and her husband.


@ Scarlet_85 As usual, your comments are straight forward and very insightful. I'm glad you aren't willing to pull any punches with me. You said:

The whole relationship sounds completely unstable with a lack of commitment and devotion. Please forgive me if I am out of line. It sounds to me that your sub may be confused at this point in her life. It seems like she's allowing herself to be put in detrimental situations for the fulfillment of being submissive.

Until we actually meet, you're correct. The relationship is unstable, and the devotion is not validated. My sub has come out of a very dark period in her life. We have both made it clear to each other that our relationship is hardly on solid ground, that we will have to spend time together, get to know each other before we go far beyond the easy passions and fantasies that can be expressed in an on-line, virtual relationship. She is sooo submissive in her desire to serve others and make them happy that she admits she has put herself in detrimental situations, bad relationships I don't want to be another one of those. I hope that we end up having a wonderful M/s relationship that fulfills our needs.

Much has happened in the last couple weeks. Given her personal life I've suspended any efforts at long-distance disciplining. It just isn't practical and had only lead to frustration. Our efforts have been on getting to know each other better. And it has helped tremendously. And as I said the "local trainers" has also stopped.

We will meet for the first time Monday 6/20 and have two wonderful evenings to spend together. I wish it could be entire days but work does have a tendancy to get in the way.

Thank you again for your feedback and concerns. Slow and steady with grounded conversation is the appropriate approach.

[brwneydgirl]

All I have to say is its not a good idea for anyone to share their account information with anyone and some kinds of pictures (ones in which someone is showing their face all the way etc) just are not safe to share online.

And that one should understand that quite naturally real life should come first over online fun.

Amen and hallelujah. Not to minimize online interactions, but sharing email passwords after 3 weeks? No.

[scarlet_85]

I would just like to wish you good luck on your upcoming meeting I hope all goes well!

[Austerus]

Ditto I hope things go well, and it sounds like you've been making some improvements. Fingers crossed for you!

[Cold Harbor]

So I took a couple days following my first meeting with filthy twat, my sub, to digest everything. I will say right off the bat it was everything I could have hoped for and more. All of the time that we had spent texting, emailing, and web camming had helped to establish a core connection that we were able to more than build on when we met in person.

I met filthy twat at a club right next to my hotel. She was just as I'd seen in her pictures and on our web cams.
Wearing a very pretty dress and drinking a martini. She was heavier than I expected, but I also wasn't surprised as she'd told me she'd torn her abdominals when she'd given birth to her second child back in the day. And anyhow I'm not all about Barbie. We talked quite a bit at dinner, shared some appetizers, had a couple drinks. Laughed about a lot of things. Before the appetizers I handed her a remote egg vibrator and had her take it to the men's room and insert it. Yes, the men's room. She hesitated, but when she saw I was serious she did it. I kept changing the speed through dinner, catching her off guard and making her squirm. She loved every moment of the humiliation.

We kissed at the table and it was a very nice kiss. Good chemistry assured. I then looked her in the eye and told her it was time to be disciplined for being such a loose, cock loving whore. I made her wait 15 minutes before joining me in my room, sort of a perp walk if you will.

I had developed a fairly detailed plan for our scnees. And as you'd expect all good plans are good only until you
start using them. Without going into great detail, we had a wonderful two nights exploring each other. She learned to accept me as her Master, and I learned what an honor it is to have someone submit completely to you.

We're looking forward to our next time together.

Thanks to all of you for your candid observations and concerns. You've helped me to mature quickly in my life as a Master/dom. I don't think filthy twat and I would have had such a wonderful, bonding experience had it not been for all of you.

[scarlet_85]

I am so glad to hear that it went well Absolutely fabulous!

[Cold Harbor]

Thanks scarlet_85. If you're at all interested in the details, PM me and I can tell you all about our two amazing nights.