Funny true stories

[MrJerseyGuy]

I hope to inspire some good true stories with this...

As many of you have read about the advances in my relationship with my first true sub over the past 6 months, I have an unrelated but funny story that I feel compelled to share because it's not the kind of thing I can tell a lot of my friends about.

Two days ago I went to the Emergency room of a local hospital for something that turned out to be minor, but it scared me enough to get checked out. By 4 that afternoon I felt fine, but had already been admitted and was told they would be keeping me overnight for tests the next day. My girlfriend and sub immediately took the night off of work and spent most of it with me in my hospital bed. The staff was really cool and didn't kick her out when visiting hours ended at 8pm. I was really horny and tried to talk her into a blowjob in the bathroom. I was fantasizing about having her strip and squat, then using a grip on her hair to force fuck her mouth...something we have done many times. She wouldn't go for it. She was afraid of discovery and not being allowed to come back. She left at 11:30pm and I just lay there with my hardon.

By 12:15 I knew that the only was I was going to be able to sleep was to get some relief. Any guy that has ever tried to fall asleep with a hardon will understand this. I was in a room alone so the bathroom was pretty private. I walked in, wheeling my IV cart next to me with a bunch of wires attached to my chest and some meter on the IV cart that was recording certain vital signs.

I snuck a cigarette, then dropped my shorts and started stimulating myself. As horny as I was, its no easy task to get excited when your standing up in a stainless steel bathroom by yourself. To make a long story shorter...just at the moment of truth...I had just shot my first spurt of cum as I fantasized like crazy when I was thrown back to reality by a series of knocks on the bathroom door. A female voice sounded alarmed as she asked "Sir! Sir! Are you OK?" I was still finishing my orgasm as I answered. "Yes, I'm fine." She spoke again. "Your heart rate just shot up and set the alarm off at the desk...when your through in there maybe you should lay down. It's probably the moving around..."

As I "cleaned myself" I shook my head and rolled my eyes. I hadn't been aware that the gadgets attached to me were being monitored at the nurses station out in the hall!

After I got back into bed I really wanted to call my girl and tell her so we could laugh about it but I was afraid she might already be sleeping so I didn't. A short time later the nurse walked in to check on me. "You doing OK?" She asked "Did you feel anything in your chest around the time I knocked on the door? Your pulse went from 80 to 130 in just a minute or two. We were worried about you."

I wonder if the nurses ever figured it out. Anyway, thats my little contribution. Am I the only one that this kind of shit happens too???

[Jones, Nikka]

That is a very good story. It reminds me of the one and only time I gave myself an orgasm in public. I had joined a gym for the first time and was pleasantly surprised to find out that when using one of the abdominal isolation excercise machines, that I could tense my vaginal muscles the same way I do when I masturbate, except with no hands.

So there I was, "working out" and enjoying the effects of each series of reps when , at the end of the last series I had a blinding orgasm. I bit my lip to avoid moaning out loud and squeezed my eyes shut only to open them and seeing one of the gym's trainers looking at me with a very concerned look in his face.
I was still dizzy and could not talk, so he came over, steadied me and told me that it was normal for beginners to be very enthusiastic about working out for the first time but that I should take it easy the first few weeks.

By then I could breathe normally again so I thanked him for his concern and his help but to this day I can not look at him without getting a stupid grin across my face. I am sure the poor sweet guy thinks I have a crush on him.

[MrJerseyGuy]

You should find a way to market that! I'll bet it would be bigger than the Atkin's Diet, Richard Simmons and Slimfast all put together!!!

[GaryWilcox]

The scene: my first apartment, age 20. Girlfriend (an Irish redhead, lithe, beautiful...) wants to come over and celebrate newfound freedom with a wild night of lovemaking. We plan for days; I stock up on Karma Sutra products and condoms; she buys bra and panties special to the occasion.

She knocks on the door, and I greet her warmly. She looks at me as she enters with some trpidation, and I ask her what's wrong, as I close the bedroom door behind us.
"I, ummmm... I got my period." She winces.
"Oh!" I hold her hands and step back. "We don't have to... we could just go to Blockbuster..."
The look of disappointment is immediate. "We could..."
Any suggestion she has at this moment is very welcome. "...yes?"
"My big sister says it actually helps her... having sex when she's got her..."
"You still want...?" I look eager, and ignorant-- she realizes I'm missing the point and she'll have to spell it out."
"There'd be a bit of blood."
"Oh... that's alright with me, if it's--" She starts hastily stripping right there and I grab her, rushing her into the bedroom.

An hour or so later, after much teasing and kissing, I am about to cum inside her. I pull out, gripping the condom so that I can collect the sperm without spilling on her. As I raise up and the coverlet falls away from her body, I see the blood. My shaft and belly are smeared in a thick, dark blood. Her crotch looks like a vicious stab wound, with blood oozing from the condom to where I 'stabbed' her.
She covers her eyes, embarrassed and mortified, but I'm still staring, satisfied with this mock image of rough sex. Curling my lip like Billy Idol and breaking into my best Spinal Tap impression, I say, "None more black."
We laughed for hours...

[Cleo671]

Well this happened..oooh exactly ten years ago..but at the time I couldn't 'discuss' it with my girlfriends at the time because most of them didn't experience 'that kind of sex'..and would have been mortified..but they were all secretly certain that this man I was seeing was beating me up black and blue.. because I had a lump the size of a golfball on my forehead..
Anyway I was seeing this 'hot guy' (well to me at the time) and one night we were hot and heavy in the bedroom..as one would be (hopefully)..and we are switching all types of positions after the foreplay..so it was (yessssssss I know I know but when your 'young') missionary..then me on the side and him behind..and then me on my stomach, him lying on top..and while we were on the same them we move onto doggy style..
by this time we are 'volcanic'..
so there I am on all fours..he is primed and ready, actually I don't think we paused, and yes the following is the reason why the lights should not be 'off'..

In one clean sweep.. he does his 'thang'..and I am 'what the fuck was that?????????????????'..and I move like Flash Gordon FORWARD.. meaning my head meets the bedhead.. I see stars..he is motionless.. I am having a split second thought of 'Do I deck the bastard or don't I?'.. simply because he was looking at me with the Bart Simpson 'I didn't do it' look..but after that we didn't do anything.. I don't think we knew what to say..

but yeah..
that was my first introduction to Backdoor..by mistake mind you..and at the time most of my gfs were virgins..so it wasn't like I could say 'well he didn't hit me, this golfball is because he accidently knocked on my backdoor'

looking back though..
remembering that moment I do laugh to myself..

It's not a funny story to tell the grand kiddies one day..but
it's funny enough to tell to 'seasoned' adults.

[GaryWilcox]

Slapstick sodomy! That's funny...

I remember talking to a young woman in 1995, just after my divorce, who agreed to come down to Atlanta for a wild night of sex, and just 'belong' to me for the weekend-- but I think we had diffenrt ideas of property management.

Our conversation had denegrated to phone sex, and she was asking me about all the things I was going to do to her, and cooing as I laid it out in detail:

"And after I'm done having you up against the wall..."
"Mmmhmmmm?"
"...I'll tie you to the bed, face down, legs spread..."
"Oh, my god..."
"..and put my cock up your hot ass--"
"Whoa! You are so NOT doing that!"
"Whoops! No, not that... I mean..."

[Cleo671]

hahahahahahahahaha...
oh stop it!!!


I had an experience with this guy who was 'phone' wooing me for weeks(this is this year..recent)..he was an acquaintence, we knew one another through social events, he got my number from a mutual friend..and there am I thinking 'what the heck..the semi blind date'...anyway..
he was six years older than I was..according to him he hadn't had a dry spell for 5 years.. So inside me I was a bit concerned, not sure whether I should feel uncomfortable or not as it was my second foray into the 'world of dating'..and here I was talking to a SEXUAL DYNAMO..

the conversation turns to sex..he asks me about domination (because we were talking about it but in his mind he was thinking about the Gone with the Wind type of domination)..and to tell him an aspect of it, as to what it meant to me.. 'which position do you think is more dominant for a male'..

(I can be so naive at times, either that or I get really 'excited')..

so I begin to talk about anal sex..and how it can place a man in more control/the pleasure pain aspect etc.. and then I go on in detail as to how.. being tied.. being held down.. over a dining table..that it didn't necessarily need to be done in the 'bedroom'...

well..
he just went quiet.. for a few minutes..

Don't you just 'hate' that dreaded conversational pause?

[Faibhar]

Anyone who coins the phrase

Slapstick sodomy

, as did G.W. deserves some sort of an award.

Cleo671's account of "back door" activity is very close to a personal experience. Would that it could be funny now, but at the time she was quite clear about leaving her posterior alone.

In retrospect, perhaps it was ineptness on my part that made the person mentioned so definitive, just like possibly ineptness on the part of Cleo671's partner at that time.

[GaryWilcox]

I have only once cheated on a partner. I was involved with a slightly unstable person and I wanted out of the relationship. But like a coward, I did nothing. One night, out drinking with some friends, I agreed to be the safe driver, as I'm a near Tee-Totaller. It was three of us, including my best friend, a girl he was flirrting with a lot, and his ex-girlfriend, Patty.

Patty had been the focus of many fantasies. Beautiful on the cellular level. She wore Dior, Poison, and that stuff has always been a powerful aphrodisiac for me that I like to call "Justifiable Rape". She was not a supermodel, but after knowing her for three years, I had a hard time understanding how anyone could be alone with her and not try to kiss her.

Not that I had every tried. She was my best friend's girlfriend, and I knew she was off limits. The previous year, she and my friend had broken up after she grew disenchated with him. It was an awful ordeal that ripped our circle of friends apart, and she had taken a swing at him-- indication that there was more at play here than just 'disenchantment'.

They managed to find the friendship that was underneath their affair, and became drinking buds and occasional lovers.

But that night, she and I were hitting it off fior the first time, and I confessed a secret crush I had on her. She was less intrigued by the honest emotion and more intrigued by the idea of having a 'quickie' with her ex's best friend, I think.

We got back to my home and after putting down my best friend to sleep off his intoxication, we got naked together and climbed into bed.

IMPOTENCE.

The only time I ever cheated; the last time I tried. I am still embarrased when I think about the incident.

[Lord Douche]

Originally posted by GaryWilcox
We got back to my home and after putting down my best friend to sleep off his intoxication, we got naked together and climbed into bed.

IMPOTENCE.

LOL!
A bit Freudian here, punishing yourself, etc

I admire everyone's guts to admit this stuff. I only hope I can avoid similar experiences

[MrJerseyGuy]

I've already told a half a dozen people my masturbation story. Maybe I'm weird but I don't have any problem admitting stuff like that...I find it funny!

[GaryWilcox]

Originally posted by Lord Douche
I admire everyone's guts to admit this stuff. I only hope I can avoid similar experiences

"I prick my finger and bleed, that's tragedy. You walk into an open manhole and die, that's comedy." -- Mel Brooks

Anonymity helps!

[Cleo671]

Ok I don't have a dick..but the female equivalent of impotence..when you both want penetration say..is when your on a new brand of Pill(because I wanted to avoid an oncoming period..so it was ULTRA Hardcore Oestrogen dose) that really screws your hormone balance so you don't lubricate (if your a woman that is :P).. and at the same time you don't have any KY Jelly..or any lube at all..and your at a place ie holiday away middle of nowhere ..middle of night..where you don't have anything in the cupboard that you can improvise with..


that happened to me when at a moment where I should have been experiencing my 'younger male at my dirtay 30's' stage..

the poor guy.. I didn't feel bad..a bit embarrassed...

there he was thinking 'oh yeah older woman.. at her peak'..

and I was ..the Sahara was an oasis compared to me..

I have to say it was so cute when he had a tantrum ..

'That's it tomorrow when the supermarket opens I am gonna go and get lube!!!!!!.. I have to say I was chuffed.. now that's modern day chivalry..

[GaryWilcox]

I remember a tale of personal unreadiness. Didn't embarrass me, but.. well, read the story below!

Those who have read the opening post of "My Little Demon: Rape" might remember that I was in an open relationship that led to a serious long-term relationship after a few months.

I had always been clear with her that we could be great friends, and kiss and make out, but I wouldn't take it to the point of intercourse until we were monogamous. (Must have been my George Michael "explore monogamy" phase.) I was reading on sublimation at the time, so I suspect there may have been method to that madness.

I arrived at her house so we could watch Twin Peaks and talk about it after. She informed me nonchallantly that she had decided to stop seeing someone she flirted with now and then. Nothing registered with me at the time, because she didn't say, "...and I was hoping we could go forward now that I'm seeing only you..."

I was working full time, and I would begin to get tired after 10... she and did the kissing thing on the couch. Her parents were out of town, and her brother was at wa friend's. Strangely, none of these clues tipped me off that she might have something serious in mind.

At some point she stood u, taking my hand, and led me into her father's work study, where small bed was. I was looking pretty beat, so maybe she was going to offer me the bed to sleep in.

Two seconds into her peeling ff her shirt, I knew where we were going. I probably didn't ask what this meant. She kissed me again, and we started shedding clothes together. Then came the question..

"Did you bring it?"
"Bring what?"
"A condom."
I swallowed hard. I hadn't bothered to carry a condom in my wallet in months. After all, I was seeing just her, and I had no interest in casual encounters. "Um... let me just drive downto the Jiffy..."
One of us remembered her keychain: a condom in a "Break Glass in Case of Emergency" case. In a few seconds, we were consumating our love.

Two days later, Jenny is out with friends. She gets her keys out to open the car door, and the friend gasps, "Oh my god! You did it with him!"

She said she turned an interesting new shade of purple.

[Cleo671]

lol I remember those keychains..
Were they ever trademarked? ..

but I'd never heard of anyone using the condom in them
until now..

wow

[GaryWilcox]

...the condom actually worked!

[norton]

My story occured about 15 years ago when I was married with two children, a boy ten years old and a girl nine years old.

My wife and I were watching TV in the living room during the day. I was employed and working 4PM to Midnight shift at the time. We were cuddling on the sofa while watching and we were getting pretty intimate. We decided we didn't want to put on a floor show for the children so we retired to the bedroom.

I had put a lockable handle on the bedroom door so we could lock it from the inside and feel our privacy was assured. Same kind as used on bathrooms.

We lay on the bed and cuddled for a while, then I started petting and kissing the back of her neck. I removed her blouse and skirt and stroked her bare skin for a while before removing all her clothes.

I then pulled the covers back on the bed and laid her face down and told her to spread eagle. I took some half inch braided nylon ropes and tied her hands to opposite corners of the headboard and then tied her ankles to opposite corners of the footboard.

Having her helpless was a big turn on for me so I played with her for a while then straddling her behind I entered her.

Imagine our surprise when the locked bedroom door opened and my daughter asked what we were doing? I quickly yanked the covers over my helpless wife and told my daughter we were playing.

How did she get in? Most lockable inside doorlocks have a small hole in front so you can unlock the door from the outside using a small pin. Poking the pin into the small hole will unlock the door. That's so you can unlock the bathroom if your child locks themselves in and can't figure out how to unlock it.

Somehow or other my daughter had figured out how to use the little pin and unlocked our bedroom door!!! I don't remember where she got the little pin or how she figured it out because I was so dumbfounded at the time. I just hope we didn't scar her little psyche for life!!

[MrJerseyGuy]

Been down that path too!

[woodsman'sgame]

Mine has to do with language, nothing more, but it was pretty embarassing. We live in the Bible Belt and people still call each other Sir and Ma'am. Keep this in mind when you read my story.

Woodsman and I were in his shop and I was dialing my son's girlfriend's house on the portable telephone. I had just finished dialing the number, when Woodsman came up to me and unceremoniously reached under my dress, around my panties into my crotch and plunged his fingers into me. All of which would have been fine if it had not so happened that he apparently had not washed his hands well enough of one of the chemicals he was using and my sensitive tissue began to burn.

"I looked at him exasperated and raised my voice (it was almost a scream because it hurt). "Stop, (insert Woodsman's real name here), its burning. You are contaminating my pussy!"

At that moment I looked down at my hand and saw the phone.
I put the phone to my ear and my son's girlfriend's father said,
"Hello? Hello?"

I hung up.

The father has never said a word about that call.

[GaryWilcox]

Oh my god... that must've made game night and school plays uncomfortable!

[woodsman'sgame]

What was most irritating was that Woodsman would not stop laughing after I hung up and told him who had been on the phone.

[Cleo671]

Originally posted by woodsman'sgame
"I looked at him exasperated and raised my voice (it was almost a scream because it hurt). "Stop, (insert Woodsman's real name here), its burning. You are contaminating my pussy!"

.. Next social occasion..I'd mention that something chemical was sprayed near the cat and the cat reacted..had to take it to the vet.. I know it sounds lame as ..but..it's a suggestion lol..

In a strange way it reminds me of my first 'public' blush..moving house..forgetting I had the vibrator(which was one of those rite of passage girly gifts at the time) packed amongst pillowcases, which were only in a small open cardboard box..the removalist dropping it and then seeing an anatomically correct and somewhat large dick specimen there on the concrete in between the front door and the van, it being daylight..an apartment block (kiddies and adults around)..me, the removalists and a nosy neighbour looking on the pavement..

and Bart Simpson came to mind right there and then..

'I didn't do it !!'..

the irony of going to lengths for it not to be discovered at home and succeeding only for it to fall out right there and then..isn't always the way it happens?

[GaryWilcox]

Long before I was in to D/s, back in the days just after high school when I drank socially, I was a bit of a freak within my circle of friends for my willingness to get nude without warning or consent.

I remember my friend, Wayne, had a recent ex-girlfriend coming to a party-- someone who'd broken his heart. I did one of those kitchen consults, consoling him about the pain he was in. I told him I could ask her to leave, but he thought she'd cause a scene of some kind.

At the time, we were a very tight-knit group, so I decided to do something to show Wayne I was 'rooting' for him. ( Cleo!)

I stripped right there in the kitchen, got my dirtiest thoughts going, worked myself to full erection, amd then walked out into the party nonchallantly and sat on the couch next to his ex-girlfriend.

Her eyes bugged, but I pretended not to notice. The rest of the room was noticing, but trying not laugh... she asked me what the hell I was thought I was doing... I said politely, "Oh, sorry-- just really eager for the orgy to start."

She lasted about twenty seconds before splitting. That alone deserves an award.

[Cleo671]

..Oh that's a definite show of support for Wayne, you definitely 'rooted' for him in that situation..

I just want to ask; when you say 'nonchalantly' was that accompanied by a bug eyed innocent look or was it the 'steely' gaze? Because if it's the second, I am amazed she lasted up to the 20 second mark and didn't faint before she raced out.

But that's a classic line , I have to file that in the 'for future reference' category just in case a similar situation arises..

[GaryWilcox]

It was overly 'Christian witness on the bus" sort of friendly...

Tee hee!

[norton]

I and my wife at the time had been experimenting with bondage for a while and found it enjoyable. So she was tied up with her hands behind her back and her ankles tied together. Both were pretty secure. I was playing with her body when the phone rang on the bedside nightstand. I ran a small business out of my home and customers called my number so it was imperative that I answer it.

I picked up the phone and said "Hello"

It was her mother. We chatted for a bit then she asked to speak to my wife. Being a bit flustered I held the phone to my bound wifes mouth and ear and said "It's for you". She said "Hello" and listened for a bit. Then she said "I'm tied up right now". "I'll call you back later".

We both laughed so hard the moment was broken but I was impressed with her quick wit!!

[norton]

Back in the 70s my girlfriend at the time was pretty submissive. She had done something that irritated me so I decided to punish her. I don't remember what exactly she had done.

At the time I rode a motorcycle. So I punished her by taking her in my car to an outdoor drive in movie and forced her to watch 3 (three) motorcycle movies in a row. "Hells Angels from Hell" was one of them I think.

I figure this counts as cruel and unusual punishment.

[Faibhar]

Fine stories one and all! They do bring to mind a time before my ex became my ex when she was hosting in the livingroom a neighbor whose friendship she was actively courting. The neighbor's son, at the time about 5, came into the master bedroom where I was, saw a vibrator on the floor, where it was always conspicuously kept alongside HER side of the bed and asked me, "What's this?".


Call it sadistic , mischievious, or just plain poor taste, I answered the young lad by saying that he best ask the owner, indicating my then wife in the other room. The innocent then did so, holding the device in front of my ex's reddening face, and his mother's paler contenance.

Needless to say, the adult friendship never did get off of the ground after that incident.

[Mobius]

It was 1988, I was at a strip club just outside India polis. it was called Dancers west. I was there as a designated driver with a group of friends in Charleston Indiana for a Radio controlled helicopter fun fly .

At the time I had more money than sence and started stuffing dollar bills into the strippers panties and getting little more and a quick kiss in return.

I wear glasses and at the time I was wearing shooting glasses that had pop out lenses. Well this one stripper a little hottie was so happy that I had slipped her a 20 that she took my glasses and stuck them in her panties and rubbed her female stuff all over my glasses and then to her horror when she pulled them out the lenses had popped out. She turned to me in the middle of the show and handed me the frames that then the lenses and said that she was so sorry, and that if I meet her after her shift she would pay me for the glasses.

I like an idiot simply popped the lenses back in and wore her pussy caked glasses the rest of the night.

but I took her up on her offer to meat after the show and got a little head from her any way.

[GaryWilcox]

This happened tonight.

I stopped at a chicken place called Zaxby's and ordered dinner. When I pulled around to pay, there was this cute little blonde teenager at the window. I turned off my CD player so I could ask her if he could break my $100. She said sure, and while she was getting the food, I turned back on the CD.

I listen to lots of things in the car-- mix CD's, obscure 4AD bands, Jeff Buckley, the Sundays, you name it. But one of my favorite things to listen to is the OCR of "RENT".

So I start singing along to "La Vie Boheme" and I belt out, "To Sodomy, it's between God and me... to S&M!"

Naturally, I look over to check on my food, and realize the girl is trying to hand me the food while blushing a new shade of orange at what I just sang.

Dammit, I'm gonna get shot one day...