Dominance and Love

I recently read an article written by a Master who said that she didn't believe that a Dominant/Master could Love their sub/slave and still be a good strict Dom/Master. That the mere act of loving ther sub/slave compromised their ability to remain in complete control.

I know what I feel inside to be true for my Dom and I.

I'd like to hear what other people think about this. Is it possible to be a good Dom/Master if you love your sub/slave? Or is your control truly compromised by that love?

I realize that there is no right or wrong answer to these questions. I would just like to see what others think of this topic

I am especially interested in the Dom/Master point of view since it is your love we are discussing.

I'd say that works for some people but not all. There are some who fill a more trainer role, can easily mold and shape a submissive or slave without becoming emotionally attached to the point of love. However, for me, the question becomes, if I don't at the very least care about this person, why am I taking my time to mold and shape them? It's not worth it for me to spend all of that time and energy if I don't feel like there's a connection behind it. It doesn't have to start off as love, but I think for many it can end up there, just as it can in any other vanilla relationship. I certainly wouldn't call it a requirement or necessity to love ones Dom/me or sub/slave, but it is definitely possible to do without losing control or the situation. If anything, the love, if shared by the sub/slave as well, could make things easier, because the sub/slave would be more devoted to the Dom/me and looking for even more reasons to please. But, as always, just my 2 cents on the matter.

i agree totally with myst, and would also say that for me anyway it is not possible for me to open up fully without real trust and openness, this results in genuine intimacy and understanding.

Now whether this can be defined as love, or not, who am i do say, i am not an expert as to what the correct definition is.

However i can say that this results in my caring deeply and feeling a very close bond and connection to my Domma or sub, so as myst points out, yes i feel not only is there a need to care about the person, but ultimately i am sure that the intimacy and bond will develop into real love, no doubt in my mind.

obviously it is different to a degree for everyone, that is what makes a world after all however for me personally a good Domma or sub is one who feels connected, and in order for this to happen they must care and maybe yes even love their Subs or doms.

I could not envisage a situation whereby i had a sub or a Domma that i thought did not feel so for me, as has been said why would i invest the time, effort and emotional energy in the relationship if that was the case.

Thank you myst the best 2 cets worth of opinion i have seen for some time, real value.

I agree there can be an important role for affection at least. I find that My slave becomes more emotionally attached and eager to serve and please Me through the process of training and Domination. As he is dominated he becomes more submissive and falls deeper into worship and love. But I also find I have to keep a certain reserve if I am to extract from him the service I require and if I am to impose the punishment he needs (and desires) as part of his training (along with a little loving tender care, of course) I regard him as a precious pet or toy. Perhaps that is more of a Femdom point of view. I believe a little rigor is required. But everyone has Her/His own style of dominance.

In my very "limited" experience, I believe a Dom/Master can love their sub/slave and not compromise the relationship. However, it did appear that my former Dom became more of a "Daddy Dom" when I was dealing with certain issues. It was almost like he was afraid that I would "break" if the play was too intense, whereas I craved that "intensity" to help get my mind off the issues.

I have spoken with a few submissives who are married to their Doms and they said there is a difference. For example...if they didn't complete certain tasks, etc., they weren't reprimanded.

I for one find it easy and beautiful to love a slave/sub .... there is never any loss of control ... in fact, in may even be increased thru the love and devotion of the T/two of U/us ..

Being a Loving Dominant is possible. One needs to love in order to be in BDSM. Yet, it is WHO you love that determines what kind of Master one is.

Now some Masters ("Master Me") love only themselves and use the subs/slaves to get the pleasure they want for themselves. They don't love or particularly care for their sub/slave other than they need them to be there for their gratification. And they really don't care about their subs/slaves needs. Subs/slaves are only for their pleasure. Some subs/slaves seek this type of the relationship and crave not being loved or cared for since ironically it is what they need.

Some Masters ("Master Role") love/care for their sub/slave and see them as something worth having and worthwhile. They make sure their sub/slave needs are taken care of in a self serving way. This is more like one respects and cares for a horse or dog and the like. It is respect for property and what it can do for you. Many subs/slaves need this type of relationship. They look for the "One" and more slaves than subs want this type of relationship.

Finally, some Masters ("Master Us") have love relationships with their subs/slaves. They provide for their subs/slaves needs partly from their Masters duties and partly because they love their sub/slave. Subs are more likely to want this than slaves. Master/husbands or wives are like this. Sex slaves and lilgirls want this type of relationship.

Now, this is just my musing for the last 10 minutes. They are flawed but they do give a context as to what kind of Master one is or wants to be and what kind of Master a sub/slave wants.

i have been a slave to my Master who is my partner also for 5 years and in myself that a Dominant/Master can still be a good strict Dom/Master with his sub/slave my Master/partner does reprimand me when i do something wrong by either spanking me over his knee and use either his hand/hands or by using his whips canes paddles or crop on my bare arse Master/partner also gives me 20 spankings first thing in the morning and last thing at night to remind me who i am also Master/partner is not selfish as if i am ill he will look after me and vica versa when Master/partner is not well i look after him so to the answer to your question is yes it can work that is my opinion

I find it very natural to love or at least have very warm feelings for my sub/slave, as I really would have difficulties having any "fun" with a person, whom I don't care for.

It can of course result in some of the more unpleasant "vanilla" phenomena, divorce etc.

I'd never had any problems punishing my sub/slave if she haven't done her duties. Because ven though you love and care for a person you don't have to be soft.

yes it does...

I have loved some of my subs and i don't feel my feeling have got in the way.

I can love someone and still be in full control, take a perant they love there children would kill to keep them safe but still are able to control there child.
Being a dom in a 24/7 my part of the deal is to keep the sub safe from harm, to care for them and never cross the line that had been agreed.

Love is a very important thing in life and there is nothing rong with a slave loving there master and a master loveing there slave.

I think that all the older dom's the people use younger ones should respect and look to, for teaching would agree with this.

El x

No offense to anyone who disagrees but personally the idea that you could not or should not love your submissive is broken to me. When i follow that out logically that means that to be in the bdsm lifestyle I would not experience love. How could I then say that this lifestyle is best for me, more fulfilling than a vanilla one if it's only appropriate to feel love in a vanilla lifestyle?

Maybe the person who wrote this article just doesn't experience love? Or possibly isn't that experienced.

I couldn't imagine not feeling close to subs for all of the reasons that have been mentioned before me.

The cold hard steel of a chain cannot even begin to compare to the strength of his love to bind me.



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It might be old fashioned - but for me personally love in a BDSM relationship is crucial. For me it lies at the bottom of it and is my truth and my anchor in this.

I always knew I was submissive (ever since I thought about sex at all) but before I found a Master I loved, it just didn't work for me. It didn't work because without it, everything is just mutual masturbation.

What makes me feel complete in my submission and makes it so incredibly worthwhile to me is the way both sides melt into each other, they become one in a way - my Body is his body and in a less obvious way, his is mine as well.

Just for me, and I know this is different for everybody - BDSM without love is just kinky sex for me. I never get to that fulfilling, divine state of submission.


I do get that love can compromise the control of a Dom. But why does that have to be a bad thing?
I remember one moment where we were doing something and it got a bit intense - as in painful and he asked if I wanted him to stop and I first shook my head but a few seconds later I gasped that I did after all. And I felt so sorry and like such a failure but he just held me and the session was over - but it was what I needed. I need my Master to love me too.


I might be wrong about this, but it might be different for Dommes. When I first started out I didn't think a Dominant could love a submissive. Just because I could never love someone so much weaker than me. It took time to learn that its not weakness that makes me a submissive and what I give my Master is at least as much as he gives me. Maybe there is my really antiquated idea of roles but it seems easier for a man to love a girl that submits than a woman to love a man who submits?

I totally agree with Laila that without love BDSM is nothing more than just "kinky sex". From my experience, the deep level of trust required for a Ds relationship can only be acquired through mutual affection. I don't think FemDom/malesub scenario is different from MaleDom/femsub because, first of all, submissiveness does not imply weakness for it takes strength to be able to surrender your power to another person. Also, I do not think traditional gender roles are relevant in the alternative lifestyles. With that being said, I need to add that caring deeply for a person can affect one's dominance, or so was my experience. I found it hard to do certain types of intense play as I fell deeply in love in my last relationship. The great paradox of it is that I did not want to "hurt" him too much, and he was hurt precisely because of that. I am wondering if anyone else has been in a similar situation and found a way to reach the balance in love and BDSM?

A Master or Misstress has to love there slaves adn I don't meen sex I meen love to be able to do what we do with and to then and not go to far.Love is the most paraful emotion that a owner has for his of her slave than anything else.

To me BDSM relationships contain more elements of 'Romantic' love than vanilla ones do. I guess it is the intensity of our commitment to our chosen roles that allows for this. The best and deepest BDSM partnerships contain love at their core, just not love as defined by the vanilla world.

I want to thank everyone who posted to this thread. I must say that i am extremely relieved to find that not loving your sub is the exception and not the rule. I know that for my Master and i love is a neccesity, and we would not be happy without it. So thank you all for renewing my faith in this wonderful lifestyle and the people who choose to live it.

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Originally Posted by Soaul

Now some Masters ("Master Me") love only themselves and use the subs/slaves to get the pleasure they want for themselves. They don't love or particularly care for their sub/slave other than they need them to be there for their gratification. And they really don't care about their subs/slaves needs. Subs/slaves are only for their pleasure. Some subs/slaves seek this type of the relationship and crave not being loved or cared for since ironically it is what they need.

Some Masters ("Master Role") love/care for their sub/slave and see them as something worth having and worthwhile. They make sure their sub/slave needs are taken care of in a self serving way. This is more like one respects and cares for a horse or dog and the like. It is respect for property and what it can do for you. Many subs/slaves need this type of relationship. They look for the "One" and more slaves than subs want this type of relationship.

Finally, some Masters ("Master Us") have love relationships with their subs/slaves. They provide for their subs/slaves needs partly from their Masters duties and partly because they love their sub/slave. Subs are more likely to want this than slaves. Master/husbands or wives are like this. Sex slaves and lilgirls want this type of relationship.

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I keep going back and forth on how I feel about this summary. I think in many scenerios... you are quite on base. Though this does seem to follow the popular opinion that wives cannot truly be slaves; and I could not disagree more. Granted, I think it is a rare situation where a married couple can pull off a true Master/slave dynamic... actually I think there is only one way- a eternal granting of consentual non-consent on the part of the slave and the willingness of the Master to actually take full advantage of the agreement... even though it might at times pose a potential legal issue for the Master. That, I guess is where the Master's trust of the slave comes in- that she really will stand behind her agreement if he does likewise. Without this in place... perhaps you are correct about the sex slaves & lil girls comment. I guess I don't know... I know neither of those fits me...but no mold of an average slave fits me. I am a high-powered mutant- never intended for mass production to quote Hunter S Thompson. lol Anyway, the best posts aren't the ones that a person totally agrees with- they are the ones that make you think... and yours did that for me, so thanks! :)

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Originally Posted by Oak

I find it very natural to love or at least have very warm feelings for my sub/slave, as I really would have difficulties having any "fun" with a person, whom I don't care for.

It can of course result in some of the more unpleasant "vanilla" phenomena, divorce etc.

I'd never had any problems punishing my sub/slave if she haven't done her duties. Because ven though you love and care for a person you don't have to be soft.

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I would prefer O's way "out" than divorce. By far.

i wud hope that a sub dom relashionship wud be based on mutual luv cause it it isnt its not going to last long