Help! I like vanilla girls!

This is something I've been thinking about a lot lately. Me, I'm over 30 years old, I've always known that I'm kinky. My very first sexual fantasies, my very first sexual experiences, all my sexual life, have revolved around these points - humiliation, domination, submission, etc. At the same time I wouldn't say I'm sure at all about my sexuality, particularly not if that means identifying with a clear and fixed role of some kind. I.e., I can say - I'm dominant. But can I say - I am a dom ... this is what I am, this is what I want, this is what I need, this is how I behave, this is my path ... ?

... perhaps I am just particularly unsettled in my sexuality, maybe I'm not experienced enough in the ways of BDSM, I haven't tried hard enough, one day I'll grow into understanding what I am, ... or then again maybe sex will always be a flux of experimentation, wonder, disappointment sometimes ...

Anyway, reading some of the discussions on this site this struck me - many people seem to feel so clear and confident in their sexual roles, in a way that I wonder if I'll ever be. But surely not everyone, or not always, I can't be alone can I? There must be people here who've gone through all this confusion before me. And maybe never come out of it - maybe the confusion's a great thing after all ...

Anyway, here's the thing. I know that vanilla sex doesn't satisfy me. Or not usually, sometimes maybe it has, if it's really fucking good, if I'm really besotted and flushed with desire for her, maybe, but still, there's something missing, something more I need, I keep coming back to ... I need the submission. I need to push it further. I crave it. If can be with a vanilla girl I really like and she says - hit me, tie me, call me names - good, this is something, maybe for a while it can be enough. But I want more. I can pretend for a while that it is not there. But at some point for sure the initial excitement will wear off, and the need to live out what I'm really desiring will grow too strong. I can see that I am turning away from her, from my desire and wonder at her, this woman, and into my own fantasies, which she cannot be a part of. I am not going to try and coerce or mold her into something she doesn't really want. It will just have to end there. I'll explain my needs, my desires, and she, probably, won't really understand, she'll try to understand, but there's really just a look of incomprehension, maybe sadness, and - what are you saying, why can't I give you what you want? There's something wrong with you? There's something wrong with me?

So better keep away from vanilla girls. I'd better stick to my own kind. Make sure they're just the right matching shade of BDSMness before we even meet.

Problem - I like vanilla girls! Or rather - sometimes I meet girls I really like. It happens, and much more often than not they happen to have little interest in BDSM. Or some interest, yes, almost everyone likes to play a bit, but then you reach quite clear limits, and maybe that's worse in the long run, if you got your hopes up ...

So what do you do when you're charmed by the looks, the intelligence, the smile, the eyes, the wit, the flirtation of a stranger, a new connection? Do you just say - no, look away, this isn't for you ... Or do you give in to the spontaneity of the moment, you play, and run the risk, of hurting - or at least disappointing - maybe yourself at least, if not someone else too ... ???

I firmly believe the more open minded we are, the more we question our choices & realise we can do whatever we like with whoever we like.

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Originally Posted by Delaquoi

Anyway, here's the thing. I know that vanilla sex doesn't satisfy me. Or not usually, sometimes maybe it has, if it's really fucking good, if I'm really besotted and flushed with desire for her, maybe, but still, there's something missing, something more I need, I keep coming back to ... I need the submission. I need to push it further. I crave it. If can be with a vanilla girl I really like and she says - hit me, tie me, call me names - good, this is something, maybe for a while it can be enough. But I want more. I can pretend for a while that it is not there. But at some point for sure the initial excitement will wear off, and the need to live out what I'm really desiring will grow too strong. I can see that I am turning away from her, from my desire and wonder at her, this woman, and into my own fantasies, which she cannot be a part of. I am not going to try and coerce or mold her into something she doesn't really want. It will just have to end there. I'll explain my needs, my desires, and she, probably, won't really understand, she'll try to understand, but there's really just a look of incomprehension, maybe sadness, and - what are you saying, why can't I give you what you want? There's something wrong with you? There's something wrong with me?

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How do you know she doesn't want it? She may very well be feeling exactly the same way as you are and I think if you are willing to walk away anyway, what have you lost by talking to her about it? Are you that afraid of being judged by someone who very well may not end up a part of your life anyway? Think about it, you already have a desire and genuine like established with her, I'd say take the risk and at least give her the opportunity to make a choice in the fate of the relationship.

Besides, meeting with 'like-minded' people doesn't mean you get what you want either ;) there is never any guarantees and only you can make things happen for you

Good luck!

I must say that I have been guilty of the Star Trek philosophy of BDSM before. You know, to boldly go where no-one has gone before? There is something about being the one to bring someone into a heightened awareness of their sexual appetites that quickens my pulse and gets the juices flowing.

Converting virgins can be a lot of work, though, and it can be just as rewarding to continue someone's training who has already taken those first steps with another. Finding someone who knows what a gift their submission is and is willing to go with you on further voyages of discover is a premium beyond measure.

All that said, sex is fun and you should do what you enjoy. As long as they know what they are consenting to, you should be fine. Communicate, communicate, communicate.

Wow these are great comments. Thanks everyone.

PRO-DOM: "Well, I am going to tell you that you sound definate to me about your needs."

This one line is giving me a lot to think about. Interesting isn't it how sometimes when you're in the thick of something you can't see what may be obvious from outside, or looking back. But when you're in there there's just no way to untangle yourself ... Sometime's there's nothing like a voice from outside, maybe even someone you don't know at all and just ran across on an internet forum, for you to stop and look with fresh eyes. Thank you.

"I also want you to know that it does not matter whether you want to be Dom today and sub tomorrow as it is perfectly okay to do them both."

Yes, this is also something I need to do some thinking on. I believe 100% it's okay to do what the hell you want with whomever wants to join you. The question I guess is how to be clear about what I want ... so as not to confuse myself and others. This is what I'm having problems with sometimes. And I think that can take some real self-exploration. And self-exploration must mean finding your own way, exploring your own desires, rather than relying on other peoples' definitions and categories. Actually I could write a lot more on my thoughts on this ... but I've blathered on enough for now eh.

Euryleia - "All that said, sex is fun ..."

Oh yes. Let's not lose sight of that.

Thanks again for these communications.

I like vanilla girls too... actually, I tend to seperate my sexual needs and my kinky needs a lot because those who want to have sex with me rarely seem to want to tie me up while they do it and vice versa. I am happy with my vanilla wife and indulge in the BDSM that she is not much interested in (she indulges occasionally and is not a total virgin but has no interest in the lifestyle). She is happy for this so long as no actual intercourse takes place with the BDSM.

Training virgins can take time as mentioned but is worth it in the end... :)

Just be open and up-front about your interests to girls you fancy. It'll sort itself out. the fun ones will stay, and the boring run away screaming. All time spent with the wrong chicks is wasted time. If she runs she's doing you a favour.

Over time and with practice you'll be able to pick out the submissive chicks in a crowd as if they had it written over their foreheads. It just takes a lot of s o c i a l i s i n g, partying and sleeping around.

I promise.

edit: can somebody fix this word filter. It's been broken for ever.

"Maybe it is like they say, there are good for now girls which in your case is the vanilla type and then there are the good forever girls. The ones you feel completely at one with. My friend, you are looking for your soul mate."


I agree


It is hard to find what we want and crave. I have learned to be patient and to respect my limits of what i can and cannot give of myself.

[QUOTE=TomOfSweden;617067]...." It just takes a lot of s o c i a l i s i n g, partying and sleeping around".......

Now why do you need to sleep around a lot to figure it out? Nothing that some straight communication won't figure out. Don't need to go screwing every girl around to find whether she likes kink.

[QUOTE=mastersgem;617369]

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Originally Posted by TomOfSweden

...." It just takes a lot of s o c i a l i s i n g, partying and sleeping around".......

Now why do you need to sleep around a lot to figure it out? Nothing that some straight communication won't figure out. Don't need to go screwing every girl around to find whether she likes kink.

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Awww whats the fun in talking if they're down with sleeping around to find out? Yeah you could ask what's wrapped up in your christmas present, but its MUCH more fun to open it, find out its a wool sweater, and move on to the next one.

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Originally Posted by mastersgem

Now why do you need to sleep around a lot to figure it out? Nothing that some straight communication won't figure out. Don't need to go screwing every girl around to find whether she likes kink.

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I don't agree at all. Men and women communicate on very different levels. On the high level we can understand each other. When we're discussing stuff like science, philosophy and meaning of life. But as soon as we get down to the basic things that drive us. Our sexuality, and how we bond we have no fucking clue. All our explanations are just narratives created after we've already taken our decisions. We don't understand ourselves. On this level we have not evolved any further than monkeys. So how are we going to be able to do any "straight communication" given our situations.

All we can do is read what her body language tells us. Listen to her deep sighs. Pay attention to widening eyes and parted pouting lips. Men give corresponding reactions. It's all subconscious. You will never be able to put words on it. Your source of your desires will always be beyond your reach.

Only sleeping around can teach us this. But you can only learn if you pay attention. Saving yourself for that special one, is a great way to keep yourself in the dark, and make sure you'll learn far too late how to please yourself and how to get your partner to please you. There's no time to waste. Especially not since a young body is easier to get laid ;)

Sexual involuntary responses are to a large degree relative to our testosterone levels. Just a thing like that. How will you learn stuff like this if you haven't had all types?

My two cents.

edit: I live like I preach. But I've had plenty of long relationships. So it's not like I'm preaching commitment fears. I just think that all fruit needs to be tasted. And seriously guys. Which girls were best in bed. The sluts or the "daddies girl" girls? I praise the slut. I see sleeping around as embracing life. Taking advantage of this body we have been lucky enough to be blessed with. It would be wasting it not so sleep around, wouldn't it?

"Men and women comunicate on different levels." Perhaps, though I think this point is often overstated.

Where I agree with Tom entirely though - there is a whole world of comunication beyond words. And yes many things can only be expressed, and discovered, through eyes and lips and touches and sighs.

"Your source of your desires will always be beyond your reach." I think that's probably so. Won't stop me keeping on chasing after it though.